I am C-3PO

Now let's be honest, if Anthony Daniels narrates the audio version of this book, then that's the only way you should be consuming this title. So that's exactly what I did. Let's also make something else clear from the outset, this book is for Star Wars fans only. Non Star Wars fans are going to find very little of interest here. Of course by the very nature of Anthony's career, the vast majority of this book covers his role in the Star Wars franchise. This book mercifully contains very little of Anthony's pre Star Wars career, which is just as well, because let's be honest, who cares right?

We soon get to the part where Anthony meets George Lucas for the first time and lands the role of C-3PO. Then we hear about his initial fitting for the iconic shiny gold suit. Apparently the suit was extremely uncomfortable. Anthony moans about it - a lot.

The book then covers filming of Star Wars in England and Tunisia, from Anthony's perspective of course. A lot of the filming process seems to involve malfunctions with Anthony's suit and/or malfunctions with the mechanics of R2D2. It's clear at the time that none of the actors really knew what this thing they were filming was, or clearly how successful it would be. 

Anthony talks about his frustration at being left out of press events and interviews at the time. The focus, rightly or wrongly, was on Mark, Carrie and Harrison. This would thankfully be rectified in later years when Anthony began to be included in such events. 

The book goes on to tell of Anthony's time filming on The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. There are more stories of problems with the suit and of Anthony's poor visibility inside it. Anthony also talks of his time filming the dire prequels. Suffice to say he had about as much fun filming them as any of us did watching them. He goes on to to tell of happier times filming the three most recent films, not least of which was a more comfortably fitting suit. He talks of his admiration and respect for Carrie Fisher and his sadness at her untimely passing.

Now let's talk about what's not in this book. There's no dirt. More specifically, there's nothing on Anthony's relationship with a certain co-star. It's no secret that Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker couldn't stand each other. And that's putting it mildly. The book does mention their relationship, but it's quickly glossed over. Anthony basically says it's true that they didn't get on, he wished they had, but that he's not prepared to talk further on the subject. Well of course that's his right not to elaborate, but part of me was hoping there'd be a bit more on their turbulent relationship. What's also apparent from this book is that Mr Daniels isn't shy when it comes to singing his own praises - his ego is on the large side. But again I don't think that's much of a secret.

Despite its shortcomings this is definitely a book that all good Star Wars fans should read. Actually don't read it - get the audio book. Anthony's narration is very good. It's almost as if C-3PO is reading to you. And in places Anthony even delivers C-3PO's iconic lines from the films.

For the sake of completeness and to be as fair as I could, I did try and get hold of R2D2's audio book for comparison, but sadly this was removed from sale due to its explicit content.

Star Trek (S1 E1): The Cage

In this the pilot episode we join Captain Pike (who?) Mr. Spock and our other familiar friends on the bridge of the Enterprise. Okay I lied. I don't know who the hell Captain Pike is and the only familiar face is Spock's. I have absolutely no idea who anyone else is. Anyway, we join whoever the hell these people are on the bridge after the opening titles, which reassuringly features the familiar Star Trek title music. Although disappointingly there was no opening monologue about space and going boldly anywhere.

There's something heading towards the Enterprise (I bet it's something strange and wibbly). The red alert sounds which has to be the most annoying red alert sound ever. It's the kind of noise a  guinea pig would make if you were to stand on it (accidentally of course). They pass through the wibbly thing and thankfully the red alert ends. They then pick up a radio message saying that a ship is in distress and has had to make an emergency landing on a planet somewhere. Apparently the ship is called Columbia and disappeared 18 years ago, with the radio wave taking that long to reach our friends. There's an M class planet in the system where Columbia vanished, meaning there's a slim possibility there could be survivors. But without any evidence to back this up, Pike decides to maintain their current course.

Pike calls the ship's doc to his quarters. Pike tells the doc that he's tired of the responsibility of being Captain and is thinking of jacking it all in. (Don't worry my friend, you only have this episode to go). Spock interrupts this badly acted scene and informs Pike that they have received a follow up radio message to say that there are definitely survivors from Columbia on the M class planet. So they decide to sod off to the rescue after all. Words cannot adequately describe how travelling at warp 7 is portrayed in this episode. Let's just say it's unbelievably cheesy and shite.

Yeoman babe comes onto the bridge and rather clumsily bumps into Pike. He is rather grumpy and annoyed at her so she quickly leaves. Number 1 (who is also a woman) reminds Pike that Yeoman babe has only just replaced his former Yeoman. Pike concedes that Yeoman babe is doing a good job but that he "can't get used to having a woman on the bridge". Pike quickly realises what he just said and apologises to Number 1 saying "No offence Lieutenant, you're different of course" and now she's doubly offended.

They reach orbit around the crudely drawn planet. A party of six beams down to the planet's surface, which of course includes Spock and Pike. They quickly reach a camp of 11 survivors, comprising of 10 old duffers and one young blonde babe, who rather conveniently was born soon after they crashed (old enough as far as Pike is concerned). We see Pike sniffing around the young woman and we then see that there are a race of bum-headed aliens who are also secretly observing Pike's attraction to the woman.

The away team are preparing to beam up the survivors. Suddenly blonde babe remarks that Pike is healthy and intelligent and a "prime specimen". She goes on to say "I think it's time to show the Captain our secret". The old duffers concur that she should indeed show Pike their secret. And like the horny dog that he is, Pike decides to go with blonde babe. Blonde babe and all the other survivors suddenly disappear and two of the bum-headed aliens appear from a hidden entrance in the rocks. They zap Pike and drag him away. The rest of the away team try to blast the entrance with their phasers but to no avail. Spock then communicates to the ship that there are no survivors and that it's all some sort of trap. I noted that Spock actually says "There is no survivors". Really Spock? I thought a Vulcan would know better. Maybe they couldn't afford to do a second take.

Pike comes to in a cell with some sort of reinforced glass (I guess a forcefield effect was beyond the special effects department's capabilities at the time). Pike can see other cells with different species in. Okay, so one is just a guy in a gorilla suit and another is a guy in a chicken suit, but you get the idea. The alien bum heads appear and there's the usual boring scene where Pike says his intentions are peaceful and the aliens remark upon how primitive humans are. But the scene ends with the aliens saying that they will soon begin the "experiment".

Back on the Enterprise the away team has returned and they decide to hold a meeting. We don't really learn anything new here. They discuss the fact that the aliens are very intelligent and that they can produce illusions by reading the thoughts and desires from the crew's minds. It's all stuff we've already worked out for ourselves really. In the end they decide to reroute the ship's power to the surface and try to blow the door on the alien hideout.

Back on the surface Pike is shown a memory of a planet he had visited two weeks earlier where he had to fight some dude with a Russian hat and an axe. He notes that everything is the same, except this time blonde babe is also there. Pike kills the Russian dude (again) and saves blonde babe. The scene ends and Pike and blonde babe are together in Pike's cell. There's a rather eye-rolling scene between the two of them. I'll spare you the details, but some examples of the dialogue between the two include "Are you real?". "As real as you wish" and "I have to wear something, don't I?" and "Let me please you". You get the idea I'm sure. To his credit though Pike isn't buying any of it and says that there's no point in continuing the conversation.

An away team tries to blast the door of the alien hideout using the ship's power. They fail. But as the doc points out, they can't be sure of anything because of the aliens' ability to create illusions. Pike questions blonde babe about the aliens. She says they can't make you do anything you don't want to do, but they can punish you if you don't cooperate. She says they have a whole collection of "specimens" from throughout the galaxy. Pike then realises that he and blonde babe are essentially Adam and Eve. The aliens overhear this conversation and "punish" blonde babe. She screams, writhes around a bit and then vanishes. The aliens admit to Pike that Columbia did crash on their planet but that there was only one survivor, which of course is blonde babe. The aliens say she was pretty beat up but that they managed to repair her. The aliens found her interesting and wanted to find a mate for her.

Pike then finds himself in a rather twee setting back on earth with blonde babe. They're having a picnic and Pike's horse Tango is there. (By the way, thumbs up here for having a real horse and not two guys in a suit). Pike comes to the realisation that he doesn't want to pack his job as Captain in after all, and that he'd find the sort of life depicted in this illusion to be utterly boring.

There follows another pointless scene where blonde babe turns into a brunette and is dancing provocatively. She's also green skinned, so presumably she's supposed to be some sort of alien. Pike's fellow crewmates (well the men at least) are sat around leering and eating grapes. It all looks a bit Roman empire. This is supposed to depict Pike's more carnal desires, but I'm sure given the time it was made it was just an excuse to have an attractive young woman do some sexy dancing. Pike walks out of the room in disgust at his fellow crewmates and finds himself back in his cell. He turns round and there is blonde… sorry, brunette alien babe.

Back on the Enterprise they decide to try to beam down directly into the alien hideout. Although it is noted that there is a chance they may beam down straight into solid rock given the aliens' penchant for illusion. For this reason it's a volunteer-only mission. The party begin to transport, but only Yeoman babe and Number 1 disappear, to which Spock exclaims "The women!" in a most  un-Vulcan like manner. Yeoman babe, Number 1 and blonde babe all end up in Pike's cell. The aliens say that as Pike is resisting the current specimen, he now has a "selection" to choose from. The aliens reveal that Number 1 often has fantasies involving Pike, while Yeoman babe finds Pike to be out of her league. Way to make things awkward alien dudes.

Back on the Enterprise Spock decides that it's time to fuck off and leave Pike to die (that would never happen with Kirk). But just as he gives the order to leave all the ship's power dies. Back on the planet, a hatch opens up in Pike's cell and one of the aliens crawls through to try and grab a couple of phasers on the floor that the girls brought with them. Quite why the alien decides to do this is a complete mystery. Pike manages to grab the alien and begins to strangle him. The alien transforms into the guy in the monkey suit. Pike tells the alien to stop the illusion or he'll twist his head off. The alien transforms back, but says if Pike doesn't release him he'll destroy the Enterprise. So Pike relents. However he picks up one on the non-functioning phasers, aims it at the glass force field and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. But he confronts the alien, saying that the non-functioning phaser is just an illusion and that in reality it has blasted a hole in the glass. Pike asks if the alien would like him to try the theory out on his head. Suddenly the illusion disappears and the hole in the glass is revealed.

They all make their way to the planet's surface with Pike still holding the phaser to the alien's head. However the alien is still preventing them from contacting the Enterprise. He still insists that the humans stay here on the planet and create a new race. Number 1 says that it's wrong to keep a race of humans as slaves. She takes a phaser and sets it to build up a charge and eventually explode. The alien then comes to the realisation that humans hate captivity and would rather die than be kept as slaves. He says this makes the human race too violent and dangerous for their "needs". So everyone is free to go. Hooray! Well except for blonde babe that is. She says she can't go with them. The aliens then reveal blonde babe's true appearance to be that of a hideous old bag (or Katie Price without the makeup). Captain Pike asks that the aliens give blonde babe her illusion of beauty back. They do this and more, as in fact she ends up with a clone of Captain Pike all to herself. The alien says "She has an illusion and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant". Everybody's happy.

The episode ends on the bridge with Yeoman babe asking Pike who would've been his choice for Eve. Number 1 tells her that she's delivered her report and can piss off now, which she does. The Enterprise (although thankfully not the vast majority of the crew) flies off to its next adventure and the familiar theme song plays once again. The end.

I won't lie, I really struggled to get through this. This isn't any Star Trek that I know and love. Quite how they commissioned a series based upon this I'll never know. The characters (apart from the obvious exception of Spock) are so dull and uninspiring. Pike is like Kirk without the hammy and cheesy acting. I want my ham and cheese dammit. Pike is just too damn serious. There's definitely no chemistry between Pike and Spock (as I've said, Spock is all to keen to leave Pike to die at the earliest possible opportunity). The doc is just some old duffer with no personality to speak of. The three women characters are all very weak, serving only as love interests for Pike.

What makes Star Trek proper such a good series is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. And of course the wonderful chemistry between Kirk, Spock and McCoy, which has often been imitated but never bettered. This was just far too serious to the point of being boring. And there was no chemistry at all. Ever. Oh yeah, and at one point Spock actually smiles. And I don't just mean a little wry smile. He does a big old grin and shows his teeth and all. It just looks so wrong. Thankfully when the series proper came along they had Spock's personality (or lack thereof) sorted out.

For those Star Trek fans that do watch this (and I recommend that you don't) and you think that Number 1 looks familiar then you'd be right. She is in fact a very young looking Lwaxana Troi. But as I say, I really can't recommend that anyone watch this. Not even die-hard fans of Trek. It will ultimately leave you feeling disappointed and longing for some proper Star Trek. All I can say is thank god they changed the series so much after the pilot, otherwise I doubt we'd be talking about a little thing called Star Trek all these years later.

Virtuality

Wow, I'm actually at a loss for words. I'll try and find a few. Shite is one that springs to mind. Yes, this film is shite. Definitely shite. So this film was actually a pilot for a TV show that mercifully never saw the light of day. But the network was contractually obliged to show the pilot anyway, so it became a dreadful "made for tv" movie.

Okay, so it's sometime in the future and the earth is going to shit. 12 people are on-board a space ship heading for a nearby star system. Of course space is fairly big, so this nearby star system is still ten years away. Presumably they're going to try and find an earth-like planet or something. I'm not sure, I didn't care. Oh yeah, apparently the whole mission is being televised as some sort of Big Brother type show too. To stop the crew going mental-trousers insane and killing each other, they each have a virtual reality headset where they can escape the utter boredom of the real world. I wish I had a virtual reality headset to escape the utter boredom of this film. Seriously, nothing happens. Ever.

The crew are about six months into their mission. They're reaching a critical "go, no-go" decision of whether to slingshot around Neptune and fuck off into deep space, or just bog off back to earth with their tails between their legs. We see various crew members in their virtual reality fantasies. These range from the American civil war to being a spy who's masquerading as the female lead singer of a Japanese rock band (oh how I wish I was kidding). Rather inevitably something starts to go wrong with the virtual reality system. This creepy guy keeps turning up in the crew's VR fantasies and generally doing nasty things like shooting them. The girl who's the spy/rock chick actually gets raped by this unsavoury character. Thankfully we don't see the actual act. That would've seriously lowered my opinion of this film. And let's face it, my opinion couldn't get much lower. The crew have a meeting about the malfunctioning VR module. After a rather long and boring meeting it's decided that the VR module will stay, as the negative effects on the crew of having no escape from their mind-numbingly boring existence would be too great. So the VR stays, despite having a rogue murderer/rapist in its midst.

So the crew bog off into deep space. And oh no, there's a problem with the outside of the ship which means some of the crew have to attempt a space walk to fix it. Some of the crew don their space suits including the commander. The commander is out in the airlock. He hasn't had time to put his helmet on yet but oh no, the airlock door closes. He thinks it's one of his colleagues messing about and tells them to open the door. But they find they're unable to. And shock horror, the outer door to the airlock starts to open. Despite protestations from the crew, the ship's computer seems unable (or unwilling) to close the door again. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that". Long story short the commander dies. Everyone is sad. Apart from the commander of course. He's dead.

The film ends (see, I told you nothing happens) with one of the female crew going into her quarters. She sees a VR headset on the table next to some little toy soldiers from the American civil war. Hmm, that was the commander's VR fantasy. Just in case anyone is completely and utterly stupid, or if they've just lost the power of rational thought because they're so bored out of their minds (probably more likely) the woman asks the computer whose VR headset is on the table. And of course the computer responds by saying it's the commander's headset. The woman dons the headset and is taken into the commander's fantasy. There are lots of wounded people lying around. All of a sudden the commander appears and asks the woman to help with the wounded. The commander tells her "None of this is real" and that she'll only find out the truth if she follows him "through the looking-glass and down the rabbit hole". Ugh. The commander rides off on horseback into the sunset. The end. Hooray!

This film is utter nonsense. It's all too clear to see why it died on its arse and never became a series. Okay it's a pilot for a TV show, but it tries to introduce us to all 12 characters. In a TV series you can do that, in a 90 minute film you just can't. All the characters ended up melding in my mind into one generic mush. The acting wasn't great anyway, so no one really stood out for me. It was definitely "made for tv" quality acting here. The special effects and space scenes were actually not bad, but they just didn't have the story and the substance to back them up. This film is like some sort of grotesque bastard love child between Big Brother, Star Trek and 2001 (yeah I know that's three parents, just go with it). But all of those are way better than this. Well maybe not Big Brother, let's not get too carried away.

Rather inexplicably this film has an IMDb rating of 6.1 out of 10. I have no idea why it's so high. This film has nothing to redeem it whatsoever. I can't recommend that you watch this. Not even if you're the nerdiest of nerdy sci-fi fans. I think even they would struggle to find the good in this film. Wow, I suddenly went all Star Wars for a minute there. Don't watch this, unless the only alternative is Big Brother.

Star Trek Enterprise: Dear Doctor

I'd heard bad things about Star Trek Enterprise. And I don't just mean the god awful theme song. So going into this, my first ever episode of Enterprise, my expectations weren't that high.

At the start of the episode we see the ship's doctor who is some humanoid looking alien dude. He's busy feeding various creatures and gross bug things. Why the doc has these things and what they're doing in sick bay isn't clear. Then we have the opening credits and that god awful theme song. Seriously, I don't need my Star Trek theme songs to have lyrics. It's quite possibly the shittiest rock ballad ever conceived by man. The generic rock gentleman sings his generic rock song about having "faith of the heart" and other equally vomit inducing concepts. Quite what any of it has to do with Star Trek is beyond me.

After having lost the will to live by the end of the opening credits things didn't really improve. We then see the communications babe deliver an audio letter to the doctor. The doc says the letter is from a human doctor serving on his home planet as part of some medical exchange programme or something. Communications babe leaves and the doc begins listening to the letter. We then see the doc on his way to see someone who's had a minor accident in engineering. As he makes his way there we hear a voice over of his audio reply to the human doctor on his planet. As the voice over continues we see the doc treating the captain's pet Beagle for a minor stomach upset. The doc tells the captain to stop feeding his dog cheese. It's all rather dreary and pointless.

Cut to the doc with a cute crewman babe on film night. This seems to be a night when the crew sit and watch a classic film together. Being an alien the doc is more interested in the crew's emotional response than in the film. Then the doc walks cute crewman babe back to her quarters. She says goodnight and gives the doc a peck on the cheek. We hear from the doc's voice over that he suspects that cute crewman babe fancies him.

Next we see the Enterprise encounter a small craft adrift in space. Scans indicate that it uses pre-warp technology. In other words, it's a bit pants. They discover two humanoid life signs on board but they're very faint. So the humanoid looking aliens are taken to see the doc. The aliens are revived. They say they left their home planet over a year ago in search of a cure to an illness that their species has. Apparently 12 million of them died the year before our alien friends left. Our alien friends appeal to the captain for help. The captain tells the doc to see what he can do.

We then see the doc having dinner with communications babe. She's trying to learn the doc's language. Through subtitles we learn that the condition of the aliens is very grave. We also learn that communications babe has noticed the doc has been spending a lot of time with cute crewman babe. Because she's talking in the doc's language she asks if they're mating instead of dating. (Oh how I almost laughed). The doc responds by saying he's not sure what the situation is between them and asks communications babe for advice. Communications babe says she thinks they make a cute couple. Wow, top advice there.

The Enterprise travels to the home planet of our alien friends. They visit a hospital to see how they're trying to treat the illness. The doc says he can quickly come up with something to help ease the symptoms. They discover another race of aliens working at the hospital. The guy in charge explains that they're not as evolved as our alien friends but that they're very hard workers. Oh no… slavery. Dundundun! It turns out this slave race is immune to whatever illness our alien friends have. But sadly the two species are physiologically incompatible. Unsurprisingly the doc enlists cute crewman babe to help him. He's still unsure where he stands with her, so while carrying out some minor dental work on Vulcan babe, he asks for her advice. She tells him that in her opinion humans are too emotionally immature to cope with interspecies relationships. She tells the doc to be careful. Wow, bummer.

The captain asks to see the doc. He asks how things are going with regard to helping our alien friends. The doc says he's come up with something that will help ease the symptoms. But worryingly he's also discovered that the illness isn't caused by a virus or bacteria. It's genetic and has been evolving for thousands of years. The doc says he predicts our alien friends will be extinct in less than 200 years. The captain tells the doc to do all he can to find a cure. There then follows a very boring scene on the planet where the doc is doing scans and taking blood samples from the slave race. The point of this is to show that the humans on the Enterprise aren't too happy about a race of people being kept as slaves. And we also learn that this slave race isn't as stupid as we first thought as they appear to be very fast learners.

In a scene with the doc and cute crewman babe we learn that the doc is married on his home planet and that he has three wives. This comes as a bit of a shock to cute crewman babe. She says she doesn't want to become wife number four, but she wants to be his friend. The doc asks what she means by friend. She says they should just see where it goes. The doc seems pretty happy with this.

One of our two original alien friends is dying. He says to the captain that if the doc can't find a cure, they would like warp technology so they can go look for someone who can. The captain makes the point that not everyone they encounter may want to help them. But our alien friend is very insistent. Back on the Enterprise the captain asks Vulcan babe for her advice. She believes it would be wrong to give our alien friends warp technology. The captain agrees that they're not ready for it. The doc and the captain talk. The captain asks if the doc has found a cure. The doc says even if he could find a cure it would be unethical to interfere. The doc argues that they shouldn't interfere with a process that's been going on for thousands of years. And that if our alien friends all go tits up it might give the slave race a chance to thrive. There's a rather boring back and forth between the doc and the captain. Suffice to say they have differing opinions on the matter. The captain asks if the doc can find a cure. The doc then admits that he already has.

The voice over from the doc's letter to his counterpart on his home planet is heard once again. He says it's the first time he's been at odds with his captain, but that after all he is the captain. The doc says he hopes the captain can look beyond his sympathy for our alien friends. The captain walks in. The doc asks the captain to reconsider. The captain says he already has. The episode ends with the captain giving our alien friends the medication to alleviate the symptoms of their illness, but crucially not the cure. Once again our alien friends ask for warp technology. The captain says he's sorry and hands the alien guy the details of how to make more of the medicine. The alien guy says he appreciates everything the captain has done. Although he does say it in a rather assy way. And he looks as though he's just about ready to punch the captain in the face. The doc can be seen ending his letter by saying he's gained a new respect for the captain. He then calls up cute crewman babe to ask if she's free because he could use a friend right about now. The end.

Thank fuck for that. This is one of the most boring things I've ever had the misfortune to watch. And as a bit of a Star Trek fan it really pains me to say that. I wish I had something positive to say, but I'm really at a loss. The story is so uninteresting, it's been done so many times before, and all of those times it's been done better. It was so predictable how it would end. And I admit that I'm just dipping into an episode, but I didn't care about any of the characters. I think Vulcan babe's personality must be rubbing off on the rest of the crew. They're all so boring and one dimensional. You've got the guy from Quantum Leap as the captain. In theory he should make a great captain. But in practice he was very dour and serious. He never once smiled and showed less passion and emotion than Vulcan babe. And I'm sorry, but if the captain isn't right then the whole thing just isn't going to work. Don't believe me? Just look at the pilot episode of the original series pre-Shatner. The most interesting character for me is the Vulcan. And it's not just because she's a babe, although admittedly she is rather easy on the eye. But she does play a good Vulcan and unlike the captain she seems well cast. The rest of them I just didn't really care for.

I absolutely loved the original series of Star Trek and how Shatner chewed up the scenery with his hammy overacting. And personally I think the Kirk-Spock-McCoy chemistry may have been attempted since, but it's never been bettered. Kirk's philosophy to first contact was always: your society is stupid and I need to fix it by punching and/or sleeping with you. Simple but effective. And vastly more entertaining than the first contact scenario here. The Next Generation has a special place in my heart too. Patrick Stewart is an absolute legend. But I hate to admit it, after TNG my love for Star Trek has waned somewhat. I never really got into Voyager, and DS9 even less so. There was never any Trek in DS9. They just boldly stayed where no man had stayed before. I never really saw the point. Having said that, both Voyager and DS9 are leagues better than what I've just been watching.

Maybe Enterprise gets better in later series'. Maybe I should give it more of a chance and it'll grow on me. But I honestly can't see me sitting through another episode or two like this. I can't quite put my finger on it, but for me this wasn't Star Trek, just some pale imitation of something once great. And at this moment in time, this is the most recent and therefore last Star Trek series that we have. That makes me feel a little sad.

The War of the Worlds

What's this? A 1950's science fiction film that I actually like? Well yes. Sort of. And yes, I'm talking about the 1953 version of War of the Worlds here, not the 2005 abomination starring Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise, with all the personality and charisma of congealed rice pudding, but with less acting ability. Seriously, he's shite. But anyway, I digress. So what makes this an okay sci-fi movie? I'll try to explain.

The film begins with an overly dramatic voice over introduction, quickly followed by equally overly dramatic orchestral music. Then there's a bit more of a voice over intro which will sound very familiar to anyone who's listened to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. And let's be honest, who hasn't? The narration explains why the martians need a new home and why Earth is the only other suitable planet in the solar system. A nice touch when they show the Earth is that you can see clouds within the atmosphere. A lot of sci-fi at this time neglected to show any clouds, so well done for that.

Then we cut to southern California and we see what looks like a flaming comet travelling through the sky and crashing to earth. Fire crews arrive at the scene to put out the fire caused by the crashed object. A load of the nosy local residents arrive too. The fire is quickly extinguished, but the crashed object itself remains hot and smouldering. A suave scientist is fishing nearby. The authorities call for his help in working out exactly what the object that crashed might be.

So doctor suave shows up at the scene. He of course immediately meets a young girl who is aware of his work and is a massive fan. The girl introduces doctor suave to the local vicar, who also happens to be her uncle. Doctor suave says the object is too hot to get a proper look at and that he'll have to stay in town until it cools. The vicar of course says that doctor suave can stay at his house. The girl doesn't seem to have any objection to this. She invites doctor suave to a square dance at the social hall that evening.

While most of the town are at the square dance, three local guys are standing guard at the crash site. Then all of a sudden a hatch in the object begins to unscrew. A snake-like periscope appears through the opening and begins surveying the area around it. The three men approach the crashed object in an attempt to show that they're friendly. But the laser eye at the head of the periscope fires at the men and instantly vaporises them. At the same time all the lights in the town go out. At the square dance doctor suave discovers that everyone's watch has stopped at exactly the same time. He finds out that all the watches have become magnetised, and with the use of a compass that the magnetic field is emanating from the crash site. The police and doctor suave head up there. The periscope thingy vaporises one of the policemen, but doctor suave and the remaining policeman manage to take cover. They quickly decide to call in the military for help. At this point they begin to get reports of similar objects landing all over the world.

The military arrive and surround the object. They decide to fly a plane overhead to try and get a look at the object from the air, but rather predictably the periscope thingy blows the plane to shit. Then they decide to bring in more military. As in all the military. The girl who's keen on doctor suave obviously needs some plot reason to be hanging around, so at this point she's magically transformed into a nurse who's busy handing out coffee and doughnuts (coffee and doughnuts are always good for laser burns).

Early the next morning three small flying craft complete with periscope thingies appear from inside the crashed object. The military prepare to fire at the craft. The vicar bloke thinks they should try to communicate first before shooting (yeah, that really worked well last time) so he wanders out towards the craft and gets turned into toast. The military fire everything they have at the three craft. But the craft have their own force fields and nothing the military fire at them can get through. In return the martian craft start blasting everything and everyone to shit. The military retreat, along with doctor suave and his girl. Doctor suave and his girl attempt to escape in a nearby plane, because of course doctor suave is a pilot. But he's a bit of a shit pilot and they crash land soon after taking off. They take shelter in a nearby farmhouse. They manage to get something to eat, but then another of the meteor objects crashes from the sky, skids and smashes into the side of the farmhouse. One of the smaller craft emerges and sends its periscope thingy inside the farmhouse for a closer look. The periscope thingy retreats, but the girl gets a glimpse of one of the martians outside. Yes, in this film they actually bothered to show us the martians. Another plus for that I think. And they don't look all that terrible considering when this film was made. Think of E.T. but with a camera lens for a face and you're not far off. A periscope thingy comes back for another look but doctor suave manages to chop its head off. Doctor suave and his girl finally make their escape from the farmhouse, just before the martians destroy it.

At this point there's another voice over, basically telling us that everything has gone tits up and that the world has gone to shit. Washington decide the last resort is a nuclear strike. And the first target is the original landing site in California. One of the science boffins estimates that if the bomb doesn't work the martians will take over the world in six days. So doctor suave and his girl go back to observe the nuclear strike because obviously that seems like a sensible thing to do. Rather predictably the martians activate their force fields and the nuclear strike fails. So at this point all the cities are evacuated.

Doctor suave and his girl get separated. She takes off with a load of people in a school bus while he steals a truck. Doctor suave gets pulled from his truck by a mob and gets left behind in the abandoned city. His priority now, realising that everything else is lost, is to find his girl and to make sure she's okay. Cue scene of him running through empty city streets while dramatic orchestral music plays. Eventually the martians show up and start blasting everything to shit. But still doctor suave won't give up the search for his girl. Eventually he finds her taking refuge with a load of other people in a church. The martians attack the church and it looks like everything is lost. But suddenly the martians stop attacking and their craft begin to fall from the sky. The people in the church venture outside. The door to one of the crashed craft opens and a dead martian arm flops down from inside. All the martians are dead. Killed by the bacteria in our atmosphere to which they had no resistance. Humanity is saved. Hooray! The end. The moral of the story? Always get your vaccinations before you go abroad.

I like this film. It held my attention for its duration and I actually sort of cared about what happened to the suave doctor and his girl. There's not much of a plot I admit, but what there is of it is well executed. And there's no extra padding in this film. Unlike many other films I could mention, there are no pointlessly long scenes that drag on serving little or no purpose. The science is credible and the story doesn't seem too far fetched. It's basically martians come to conquer the world but end up dead. That's it. It doesn't get much simpler. The effects are good for a film of its time, and they're far superior to many other films from the time or even later.

If I have a criticism (and I do) it's that the female character is once again too much of a damsel in distress, needing to be rescued and comforted by the suave doctor. But I think you have to put that down to 1950's attitudes towards women. You can't blame the film for that, it's just reflecting society at the time. Fortunately we didn't have to wait too long before we saw strong female characters in films becoming the rule rather than the exception.

IMDb rates this film higher than the 2005 version and I think that's fair. For me this film is the better of the two. I found it to be more engaging and entertaining, and I'm sure that's not solely down to Tom Cruise's plank-like performance in the newer film. The 2005 film for me is all special effects and no substance. The 1953 film had to have substance because it couldn't just rely on special effects to pull it through. I wasn't expecting much from this film but I was pleasantly surprised. As long as you keep in mind that this is a sci-fi film made in 1953 then I think you'll be pleasantly surprised too.

RoboCop 3

I didn't have high hopes going into this film. That's probably why I'd been putting off watching it for the past 21 years. It didn't even manage to live up to the low expectations that I had. Perhaps I'd better explain why. Okay, so this is what I knew about RoboCop 3 before going into it. I knew that Peter Weller was no longer cast in the titular role. That in itself is sin enough. Peter Weller IS RoboCop in my mind. Actually more to the point, Peter Weller is Murphy. You can't take some strange guy and suddenly expect us all to believe he's Murphy, whether he's inside a robot suit or not. I also knew that Nancy Allen DID reprise her role as Officer Lewis, but only upon the understanding that she would be killed off in the first half of the film. So your main actor is no longer in the film and your main supporting actor wants out halfway through. If that doesn't set off the movie shite-o-meter I don't know what does. I also knew that unlike the first two films, this one achieved a milder certificate 15 rating. So I was expecting it to be much easier on the blood, guts and profanity than its predecessors. Finally I knew that at some point in this film RoboCop sprouts wings and flies. Although I was kind of hoping that would turn out to be some horrible, horrible joke. (Spoiler: it wasn't).

The film opens with the usual Media Break news programme that we've come to expect, with reassuringly the newscaster from the previous films. The news tells us that OCP has been bought out by a Japanese corporation. It also tells us that Old Detroit is still a shit-hole. OCP is trying to move residents out of said shit-hole so that they can level the place and start again from scratch. Of course many residents are none too pleased, so OCP has a new "Rehab" force, or "Urban Rehabilitation Officers" to encourage people to move on. Cue the creepy, evil guy in charge of the Rehab force giving an interview, and of course trying to put a positive spin on things.

Then we see a young girl in her bedroom. Her dad comes in and she asks him if the news reports are true and if it really is a war-zone outside. Her dad tries to reassure her and say that she's safe where she is. Cue a huge wrecking ball that comes straight through the bedroom wall. The family make a run for it, out into a scene of chaos where all the other residents are doing the same. The Rehab force arrives and starts herding people onto buses. The young girl gets separated from her parents. She's chased by one of the Rehab guys but falls over by the side of a van. The van door opens and she's pulled inside. In the van are the main group of resistance fighters who are intent on staying put. The group's leader is a local black woman.

The group then drives to the police armoury where they attempt to steal weapons. They successfully blow the gates open, but are immediately met by an ED-209. The good news is ED-209 still growls in this film like he's supposed to. The bad news is that the voice is just slightly different. Just different enough for it not to sound right. The young girl runs over to ED-209's leg and plugs her laptop in. Yes, she's some sort of smart-arse hacker kid (god I hate those). ED-209 does his usual 20 second countdown, but at the end he says "I am now authorised to... be loyal as a puppy". So that's ED-209 taken care of. One of the group uses a stolen swipe card on the door to the armoury. But the card has been reported as stolen and sets off the alarm. They figure they've still got a few minutes to loot, if only they could blow the door open somehow. Cue smart-arse kid with ED-209 again. So the door is blown open and they go inside and steal some guns and shit. Two police cars show up, but the kid gets ED-209 to shoot at them and our resistance friends escape. (Wait, so someone is attempting to break into the police armoury and you send just two police cars? That's nuts). Also, because of this film's mild rating none of the police actually get shot. Yes the cars get shot to shit, but all the policemen escape unscathed. It's a world away from ED-209 turning Mr Kinney into pâté in the first film.

The call goes out over the police radio for all units to pursue our resistance friends. One of those who responds to the call is Lewis. After a truly uninspiring car chase, Lewis and her other police friends all manage to crash. Our resistance friends celebrate in their battered yellow van, but then another police car starts pursuing them. It's RoboCop (you'd never have guessed, would you). Meanwhile Lewis and her police friends have crashed in a rough part of town. I thought they were all rough? Anyway they're surrounded by a local gang and Lewis calls for backup. RoboCop hears the call and breaks off his pursuit of the yellow van to go and help. Sergeant Reed (also the same guy from the previous films) orders RoboCop to continue pursuit of the van, but he ignores the order. He arrives at the scene and detaches one of his hands, replacing it with a machine gun attachment. At this point I thought RoboCop had basically just become a glorified food blender. Even more laughable is that RoboCop manages to catch a bullet between his fingers that's heading towards Lewis. He manages to defeat the gang, but he gets petrol bombed in the process and ends up looking like shit.

Meanwhile the Japanese corporation that has taken over OCP is unhappy with the slow progress in clearing Old Detroit of its residents. The Japanese firm says it's going to send over its army of ninja androids to speed things up. Cue a scene where one of said ninja androids is sitting cross legged with his eyes closed, palms turned upward holding a sword. A little bit of a stereotype there wouldn't you say? Or lazy, unimaginative writing. Probably more likely the latter.

An OCP dickhead goes to the police station to find out why RoboCop disobeyed an order to pursue our resistance friends. He talks to the tech nerd babe in charge of RoboCop. You can tell she's a tech nerd as she's wearing a white lab coat and glasses; it's the tech nerd uniform. Tech babe says RoboCop would only disobey an order if he didn't agree with it. So in other words he made a decision. Tech babe says RoboCop's friend was in trouble and so he made a judgement call. She points out that human policemen do the same thing all the time. OCP dickhead says RoboCop doesn't have friends, he's just a machine. Tech babe argues that if OCP just wanted a robot, why did they put Murphy inside in the first place. They argue some more. OCP dickhead says that Murphy is dead. Tech babe says that RoboCop is Murphy (well, what's left of him anyway). She also argues that you can't interface human and machine and then complain when the human part makes a decision. In the end the OCP dickhead says that he wants Murphy's memories and emotions wiped to make him more predictable. And that they want to use RoboCop on the Rehab force. Murphy is sitting in his chillout chair. Tech babe watches his dreams on the tv monitor. In the end she decides not to wipe his memories.

RoboCop works out where our resistance friends are hiding thanks to his photographic memory. He makes his way to their location and Lewis decides to go with him. One of her colleagues asks if she wants her body armour, but she says she's off duty and refuses to take it. (Hmm, talk about making it bloody obvious what's going to happen next). So RoboCop and Lewis arrive at the church where our resistance friends and a load of refugees are hiding out. Then evil guy and his Rehab force turn up to level the place. RoboCop and Lewis decide to make a stand against the Rehab force, saying that the people inside the church are just innocent civilians. Lewis says "If you want to get in there you're going to have to shoot through us". Evil guy replies "I don't have a huge problem with that" and machine guns Lewis in the chest. RoboCop tries to shoot at the evil guy and the Rehab force, but he's unable to because they're all OCP officers and it goes against his programming. Evil guy then fires a grenade at RoboCop which hits him in the chest. RoboCop manages to pick up Lewis and carry her inside the church while our resistance friends provide covering fire. Then there's some mushy bollocks between RoboCop and Lewis before she finally dies.

RoboCop decides to stay and help our resistance friends. They all make a quick exit from the church via the sewer. Sadly for our resistance friends the evil Rehab guy is able to track RoboCop easily as he's OCP property. Our resistance friends make it to their underground hideout, but RoboCop passes out and does a faceplant just outside the door. Presumably a delayed effect from having a grenade in the chest. The resistance people pick him up and carry him inside. RoboCop manages to say the words "tracking beacon" and smart-arse kid manages to find and remove it. One of the resistance guys throws the tracking beacon in the sewer, right underneath a manhole cover that they've booby trapped. A Rehab guy attempts to open the manhole cover and is blown to shit.

OCP dickhead phones tech babe. He says she might want to turn on the news. The news shows evil guy giving a statement to say that RoboCop gunned down his colleague and that he's joined the "terrorist rebel forces". The newsreader says that RoboCop is armed and should be considered extremely dangerous. OCP dickhead says he wants to see tech babe in his office at 7am the next day and that maybe then he won't consider bringing charges against her. The head of OCP puts out an arrest warrant for RoboCop. He says without RoboCop's help the rebels will be much easier to deal with. He then fires OCP dickhead, who immediately leaves the room and shoots himself in the head. We only hear the shot of course. This film is far too tame to show anything that good.

Our resistance friends make it to a new hideout. They're trying to fix RoboCop, but the guy says he's more used to fixing cars than cyborgs. RoboCop manages to say that they should try to find tech babe as she'll be able to fix him. Smart-arse kid goes to the police station in search of her. She finds tech babe and says she knows where RoboCop is. Tech babe doesn't believe her. But smart-arse kid tells tech babe that RoboCop says thank you for not taking his memories away.

One of the ninja androids arrives at the old resistance hideout. There's four guys there, but they refuse to say where our friends have gone so they all end up dead. Tech babe and smart-arse kid arrive back at the hideout in a police van with all of RoboCop's support equipment. Tech babe says it looks like a direct hit to RoboCop's heart. There follows a scene very reminiscent of the original film, where we see things from RoboCop's point of view. We see him come to at various times as Tech babe is working on him. We see the woman leader of the resistance say "I've got that heart you wanted" as she holds up said heart in her hand. We see a new chest plate being fitted. Finally we see RoboCop reboot and list his prime directives. Prime directive 4 "Never oppose an OCP officer" has been deleted. So RoboCop has been successfully repaired. There's a soppy scene between smart-arse kid and Murphy while tech babe sleeps. Smart-arse kid talks about her parents. Murphy uses his photographic memory to search through the police database. He discovers that smart-arse kid's parents were both killed while trying to escape from a relocation camp. Murphy asks her if she misses her parents. She says yes. Murphy says "But you remember them. Because if you remember them, they're never really gone".

Our resistance friends show tech babe something they stole from the police armoury. They say they have no idea what it is. Tech babe tells them it's a prototype for RoboCop's jetpack. (Dear god, please. No). Tech babe is fitting RoboCop's jetpack when suddenly he has a flashback of Lewis dying. Lewis says "Get them for me. Promise". RoboCop stands up and throws off the jetpack. The resistance leader asks him where he's going. RoboCop replies "Unfinished business" and fucks off. Tech babe tells the resistance leader not to worry, RoboCop will be back. Smart-arse kid asks where he's going. Tech babe replies "To keep a promise".

RoboCop walks into the police department. Sergeant Reed asks quizzically "Murphy. Do you know there's a warrant out for your arrest?" To which RoboCop coyly replies "Yes" as we see the police department crawling with officers. Sergeant Reed says "Just checking. What can I do for you?" RoboCop asks where the Rehab force department is. Sergeant Reed says it's just down the hall. RoboCop says thanks. And that he may want to call the fire department. RoboCop goes into the department and torches it. No really, he has a flamethrower attachment. He asks one of the Rehab guys where he can find evil guy.

Evil guy is in a motel room. There's a knock at the door. It turns out to be one of our resistance friends turned informant. He says he'll lead the Rehab force to the resistance hideout. RoboCop arrives at the motel, but evil guy manages to escape out of the window and gets away in a passing OCP van. RoboCop finds a pink Cadillac outside belonging to a pimp which he commandeers. So we have a ridiculous scene where RoboCop chases the OCP van in a pimp-mobile. The doors at the back of the OCP van open up and several Rehab force guys are there with guns. The pimp-mobile is blown to shit, but RoboCop keeps on driving the increasingly wrecked car until it's just a chassis. There's some kids playing hockey in the road. They move out of the way when the OCP van comes past. Evil guy chucks some cash out of the back and all the kids run into the road to pick it up. RoboCop of course has to stop and evil guy gets away.

Back at the resistance hideout the informant guy returns. As he does so the Rehab force comes crashing in through the windows, guns blazing. The woman leader of the resistance group is shot and killed. The informant guy is also killed. Tech babe and smart-arse kid make a run for it. Tech babe realises she's not going to escape, so she puts smart-arse kid into a ventilation shaft and tells her to go. Tech babe is captured and taken to OCP headquarters.

Evil guy goes to police headquarters. He tells Sergeant Reed that he wants 50 of his officers to help the Rehab force clear the remaining residents. Sergeant Reed tells evil guy that's not the kind of work the police do and throws his badge on the floor before walking out. One by one, all of Reed's colleagues come forward and throw their badges on the floor before walking out. Evil guy sees an arrested gang member in the police station. He asks if he and his gang friends would like to make some money. So yes, evil guy decides to use gang members to help clear the residents.

Smart-arse kid is crawling through the ventilation ducts at OCP headquarters. She uses her laptop to hack into the security cameras and locate tech babe. Sergeant Reed and his colleagues show up in Old Detroit in their police cars. He says in 45 minutes the Rehab force will be there to finally clear the residents and level the place. He says to get anyone who shouldn't be fighting down into the basement. He says everyone else is now deputised by the Detroit police department. Can he do that? I thought he'd just quit?

RoboCop arrives back at what remains of the resistance hideout. One of the android ninjas shows up. There's an extremely tiresome battle between the two during which RoboCop gets various extremities sliced off. Eventually RoboCop manages to reattach his grenade launcher attachment and destroys the android with a grenade to the face. At the same time another tiresome battle begins between the Rehab force/gang members and the police/residents.

Smart-arse kid finds tech babe. They use smart-arse kid's laptop to hack into the tv transmitter and broadcast a message out to the people of Detroit, letting them know what evil bastards OCP really are. Meanwhile the police/residents are getting their asses handed to them by the Rehabs/gang members. It looks like it's all over for our resistance friends. But what's this I hear? Yes, RoboCop and his jetpack have come to save the day. The effects used for RoboCop flying are truly appalling, even for the time. And I mean utterly abysmal. You really have to see it to believe it.

Tech babe and smart-arse kid manage to escape. RoboCop flies into OCP headquarters to confront evil guy. Evil guy summons two of the ninja androids. Tech babe and smart-arse kid run in to find RoboCop battling the two androids. The girls manage to hack into the androids and get them to simultaneously decapitate each other. Evil guy calls them both "stupid fools" (strong words indeed) as the two androids are fitted with a "thermal failsafe device" which will nuke everyone to shit in a few seconds. What the hell is "failsafe" about that? It's definitely more "faildangerous" if you ask me. Evil guy says that they're all dead. But RoboCop gets back in his jetpack and flies both the girls out of the window to safety. As they fly away we see the OCP building getting blown to shit.

In the final scene the head of the Japanese corporation goes to visit Old Detroit with the head of OCP. We see the residents busily cleaning up and getting back to normal. The Japanese guy fires the head of OCP. The head of OCP sees RoboCop. He says "Well I gotta hand it to you... what do they call you? Murphy is it?" to which RoboCop replies "My friends call me Murphy. You call me, RoboCop". Hooray. The end.

Thank fuck for that. This review has taken me days. I've only been able to watch a few minutes of this film at a time before feeling nauseous. It's just so bad. The original RoboCop was fantastic. The second film, while not quite up to the standard of the first was still an enjoyable movie. But then this dreadful piece of shite comes along and vomits all over the first two films.

The story is weak and uninteresting. RoboCop/Murphy seems to be much more of a side character in this film, with the young girl being the main focus of attention. In my opinion that's a mistake. I wanted this film to be a continuation of Murphy's story, but sadly it wasn't. Maybe they realised that wasn't possible with a completely different actor playing the role. I think they picked the guy based upon the fact that he looks a lot like Peter Weller, and probably not so much for his acting abilities. He's okay, but he's no Peter Weller if you ask me. In this film RoboCop/Murphy is reduced to cheesy one-liners. They definitely went more for the humour/comic book feel in this film, but it misses the mark by miles. The dark humour and satire of the previous films has vanished. Instead now we have a film that feels rather insipid and watered-down.

There's no gore, violence or bad language to speak of. I think evil guy calls tech babe a slag at one point, that's about it. Nothing hard hitting or shocking here then. And no real surprises either. It's one of those films where you know what's coming every step of the way, and you're not looking forward to it, for all the wrong reasons. One of the worst things by far is RoboCop's jetpack, both in terms of its implementation and the fact that they even did it. I don't need RoboCop to fly. At no point during the previous two films did I think "You know what this film really needs? It needs RoboCop to fly. Sod all the shooting people to shit with a huge gun, just have the fucker fly". As soon as RoboCop donned his jetpack, my brain donned its own jetpack, and fucked off to a alternate universe where this film doesn't exist.

Is there anything good at all about this film? Well the answer to that is surprisingly, yes. The composer used in the original film was brought back on board for the third movie. So the iconic themes and music from the original film are present once again, after sadly being noticeably absent from RoboCop 2. Yes, it's not great when all you can say that's good about a film is the music, but it's a plus point nonetheless.

So overall what can we conclude? Well, I would've said it's a shame. I would've said it could've been great. But honestly, I think with Peter Weller not reprising his role it never really stood a chance. It was always going to suck, the question was how hard. Sadly the answer appears to be extremely. If we look at the trilogy it definitely takes a downward spiral and IMDb reflects this; RoboCop scores 7.5, RoboCop 2 scores 5.7 and RoboCop 3 scores 3.8. I think 3.8 is may be a fair score for this film if you take it in isolation. But comparing it against the previous two films I'd personally score it lower. If you watched the first film, or even the first two films and enjoyed them, don't watch this. Keep your RoboCop memories happy ones. I'm gonna go watch ED-209 make people pâté now.  

U.F.O.

Okay, I'm going to start this film review with a couple of spoilers. Spoiler 1: Everybody dies. Spoiler 2: I didn't care; I was just glad the film was over. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about this film, but maybe I should elaborate just a little.

So the year is present day 2012 in this case. The film opens with a load of shaky camera work as we follow a SWAT team into a house while some shitty dramatic music plays. One of the SWAT guys says that they're "Go for termination" and we hear a load of screams over their radios, presumably while the SWAT team are killing the occupants of the house. Then we cut to a blond woman in a darkened room. She tries to light a match. She swears. Then she runs out the front door of the house into the pouring rain, accompanied by the same shitty dramatic music from before. The woman looks up, and as she does the music slows and stops as the scene goes into slow-mo and ends. Then we cut to a nightclub. Cue shitty dance music and lots of far too attractive people dancing. It's definitely not your usual Friday night cattle market here. But who knows, maybe clubs like this actually do exist, just not in my world. Some people of no consequence who happen to be friends are at the club. One of them is the blond woman we've just seen. Her boyfriend is also there, as are two of her boyfriend's mates. Mate one is an army guy who's currently on leave and is basically out on the pull. Mate two is totally wasted and is quickly managing to repulse everyone of the opposite sex inside the club.

Blond woman's boyfriend asks her to go outside with him. They end up sitting on the roof of a car and start talking about some bollocks or other. Back in the club army guy has spotted a very attractive brunette woman. He goes over and starts dancing with her. They start talking. It turns out she's American. Back outside and blond woman's boyfriend is spouting some soppy nonsense at her. He even says "This is so fucking cheesy". You're not wrong there mate. But blond woman replies "Cheese is good. I love cheese". To cut a bad scene short, he proposes and she says yes. Back inside the club and wasted guy falls into a woman's cleavage and spills his drink down her dress. Two bouncers come over and start giving him grief. He calls for army guy to come and help him. Next we see army guy being thrown outside by the two bouncers. They're giving him a hard time. Blond woman's boyfriend goes over to help, despite her begging him not to get involved. So there's a big scrap where even blond woman gets involved at one point. Army guy gets one of the bouncers in a headlock and threatens to break his neck, so the bouncers back off and the fight is over. Meanwhile mate two, Vincent, comes out of the club after all the fighting is over. Army guy calls Vincent a wanker for blowing his chances with the American woman. He starts talking about her and how beautiful she is. But then he starts describing her using cruder terms and rather predictably she's stood right behind him. But she just smiles and says "You had me at beautiful". They all go back to blond woman's place. Blond woman and her boyfriend have sex. American woman and army guy have sex. Vincent throws up in the bog and passes out.

Next morning and Vincent is the first to rise. He's feeling a little delicate. He goes to collect the milk from the doorstep. Do people still have milk delivered? Vincent sees the neighbour and goes over to talk to him. The neighbour says that the power is out for the whole street. He says it's been out since about six. The neighbour says he's off to meet his wife in London. He said she was called in for an emergency meeting. Apparently she works in "Government domestic crisis management". That's handy. Blond woman's boyfriend appears. The three guys all realise that there's no phone signal. Neighbour guy says that his landline is out too. Neighbour guy then tries the radio in his car. There's no reception on that either.

Army guy and American woman go for a walk. A scruffy guy wearing a hoodie appears with numbers and symbols drawn on his face and hands. He starts spouting stuff from the bible; Matthew 24:36 specifically. Army guy dismisses him as a nutter. Then scruffy guy looks at American woman, pauses for a second and runs off. Army guy and American woman go to a shopping centre. Army guy sees one of his friends who is assistant manager at a supermarket. He says they won't be opening today as there's no power. He also says the power is out for pretty much the whole country. He then shows Army guy a video on his phone. It's some guys filming themselves skating, but then several objects streak across the sky and crash in a nearby field causing big explosions.

Cut to evening time and they're all back together at blond woman's house. They're playing charades as there's not much else to do. They all start to speculate about what's behind the power outage. Their theories range from solar flares to dirty bombs. They then realise that all the watches and clocks in the house stopped at the same time. Yes you guessed it, at 12:36am. We then see blond woman and her boyfriend in bed. Vincent knocks on their door. He asks if he can sleep on the floor in their room because he's scared. How old is he, six? Next blond woman is woken from a nightmare. She goes downstairs. The whole house begins to shake. Everyone else is woken and they all think it's an earthquake. But they look out of the window and see something in the sky. They all venture out of the front door. They look up to see a very bad cgi alien spacecraft (think Independence Day but shit). They all go back inside and get dressed. Army guy gets his pistol.

They all go to the supermarket to get supplies. There's a queue of people there and no one to open the store. A young black woman is first in the queue. But a group of white lads come and push in front of her. She asks that they not push in and the lads give her a load of racist abuse. The woman says that her husband is English and that she needs food for her kids. One of the lads goes to throw a punch at the woman. Army guy steps in and blocks him. Army guy's friend who is the assistant manager arrives. He lets our friends and the young black woman into the supermarket via a side entrance. They begin sneaking around the supermarket picking up supplies, conscious of the fact that if anyone waiting out front sees them it'll cause a riot. Sadly they're spotted and the racist guys come in and start giving army guy grief. American woman finds army guy's pistol and she fires three shots into the air. They all make it safely out of the supermarket. In the car park a couple of big guys ask army guy to hand over their supplies, and their car too. Army guy pulls his gun on them and the guys decide to find an easier target.

They arrive back at blond woman's place with the supplies. Blond woman says that they should go to George's as it'll be safer. American woman asks who George is. Vincent replies "Well let's just say he's a controller short of a PlayStation". We then see a very brief shot of Jean-Claude Van Damme making fists with his hands, while stood in front of his kitchen cupboards? They all agree it's a good idea to go see George, but army guy says he needs to drive to his house and pick up some more bullets for his gun first. American woman insists that she go with him. They stop for fuel. But the old git at the petrol station says all the pumps are dry. He says the army turned up earlier in the day and took every drop. The old git also tells them that he has seen three of the alien spacecraft. The old git reckons that the human race is basically screwed. So they leave the miserable old git and drive off. They're driving along when suddenly a car crashes into them and rolls over. The car is on fire and about to explode. There's a woman in the car who's dead. A man in the car is in poor shape. They decide the kindest thing they can do is suffocate him so that he doesn't suffer. Army guy pulls American woman away from the burning car, but she looks back and screams that there's a girl still alive in the car. They manage to rescue her just before the car explodes. She has a wound that needs attention so they make their way to a nearby chemists.

Back at the house blond woman's neighbour turns up. He's back from London but he looks pretty beat up and scared. Blond woman's boyfriend asks him if he knows anything and what they should do. He just replies "Run! They're coming!" in what must surely be some of the crappiest acting I've ever seen. The neighbour guy then gets back in his car and fucks off again.

Army guy and American woman arrive at the chemists with the little girl. There's a policeman outside. Army guy tells the policeman that the girl needs medical attention. The policeman says it's not his problem. But after some macho bollocks between army guy and the policeman, he agrees to let army guy in for five minutes. The little girl points at the policeman and says "That's the man with the purple mark". Army guy takes the girl inside the chemists and lays her on the counter. All of a sudden the policeman raises his machine gun to shoot the girl, but army guy manages to knock the gun away. The policeman and army guy start fighting. While the policeman manages to knock army guy backwards, he yet again tries to kill the girl by strangling her. Army guy manages to stop him and the two guys scrap again. American woman appears and jumps on the policeman's back, but she's knocked away. After a fight scene that goes on way too long (seriously, I was getting bored) American woman manages to stab the policeman in the neck and he dies. We see through a tear in his trousers that he does indeed have a purple symbol on his upper thigh.

Back at blond woman's house it appears that the alien invasion has started as there's lots of alien shit flying around in the sky. For some bizarre reason at this point Vincent and blond woman's boyfriend decide to go and find a car, leaving blond woman alone in the house. I'm still not clear why they did that. They clearly wanted blond woman to be alone in the house and couldn't come up with a good enough plot point as to why that should be the case. So blond woman is alone in the dark, trying to hide from these alien probe things that keep coming to the windows. Again it's a scene that goes on for far too long and was far too boring. It's just blond woman creeping around the house being scared. Eventually it turns into the scene we saw at the start where she's trying to light a match. We see her once again run outside into the rain and look up. This time we see what she's looking at. It's one of the flying alien probe things. All of a sudden there's a shot from somewhere and the alien probe thing blows up. It turns out to be a couple of soldiers with a bazooka. Everyone else turns up at this point. It turns out the soldiers are the last of their unit, so they decide to hang out with our friends. Scruffy hoodie guy appears and steals army guy's gun out of his pocket. He starts waving the gun around at everyone. The two soldiers point their guns at him and tell him to put his gun down. The solders shoot scruffy hoodie guy, but as they do he fires a shot that hits blond woman's boyfriend in the chest. He dies.

They finally make it to George's place. Yes, good old Jean-Claude finally puts in a proper appearance. Well, I say that. But it looks like all of JCVD's scenes were filmed in a different location, with none of the other actors present. You see a shot of our friends asking JCVD a question, then you see a shot of him answering, stood alone in front of some kitchen cupboards. It looks really odd and disconcerting. Anyway, he definitely phoned his scenes in with this particular film. He sounds dreary and positively bored. JCVD rambles on for ages about alien invasions, alien technology and all that sort of shit. He says the aliens can take human form and it's almost impossible to tell them apart. JCVD tells everyone to stick to their friends and people they know. The two soldiers say they've known each other for 15 years. Vincent says he's known army guy and blond woman for years too. So then of course everyone turns to look at American woman. JCVD says the way to check if she's E.T. is to look for a purple symbol on the inside of her upper thigh. The two soldiers want American woman to strip in front of them. But army guy says he'll take American woman into the other room so she can undress in private.

In the other room army guy faces the door. He tells American woman that he's genuinely sorry to have to do this. At this point he confesses to her that he's been dishonourably discharged from the army. He turns to face her and she shoots him in the head. She then manages to disable the two soldiers. Then she has a fight with JCVD. But it's shot in such a way that they probably just used body doubles. American woman grabs blond woman and holds the gun to her head. They head outside, closely pursued by the two soldiers. The two women head into an outbuilding where American woman leaves blond woman. American woman heads outside and just as the two soldiers are about to shoot her, she de-materialises and is picked up by one of the alien probe things. JCVD comes outside. He looks up at the alien probe thing, says "Oh shit" and is then blown to bits. The probe turns its attention to the little girl (yeah, she's still hanging about) but it doesn't shoot her. Then some other alien ships turn up and they start having a bit of a battle. Maybe that's what JCVD meant by alien technology. Anyway, there's a load of flying things shooting at each other and it's all very confusing and very boring. Blond woman, Vincent, the two soldiers and the little girl make their escape in the soldiers' truck. One of the soldiers puts some music on. It's "Nowhere to Run" by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas. Oh please, give me a break. So Nowhere to Run plays while the soldiers drive along shooting at shit. One of the soldiers is killed and the truck crashes. They manage to make a run for it back to the farmhouse.

Then it all goes a bit nuts (like it hasn't already). Vincent punches blond woman and attempts to rape her. The remaining soldier starts fighting Vincent. He beats Vincent to shit but blond woman stops the soldier short of killing him. Meanwhile the little girl looks on in horror, probably thinking that her newly acquired family seems a little on the dysfunctional side. The power suddenly comes back on. The news is on TV. And guess who the newsreader is? Yes, it's American woman. Then yet again we see the SWAT team approach the farmhouse. It turns out the SWAT team are in fact aliens, as we now see that one of them is the policeman from earlier. They enter the building and report that there's a girl inside who can positively identify them. So they get the go ahead to kill everyone. We hear the dying screams of our friends over the SWAT team's radios. The End. Aww, I love a happy ending.

I honestly don't know where to start with this one. This film is just a huge pile of incoherent shite. It's utter, utter bollocks. The plot is meandering and has no point. The acting is mediocre at its best and laughable at its worst. The characters are all one dimensional and thoroughly dislikeable; I felt no sympathy or empathy for any of them, I just thought they were a bunch of tossers who were so far up their own arses it was untrue. The music is shitty house/garage/maisonette/shed/whatever the hell you call it these days. But oh my god, the camera work! I can only imagine that the camera operators were in a perpetual state of seizure. It was annoying. Actually it was thoroughly nauseating. Why do films these days need to do it?  It's not big and it's not clever. Personally I think it gets used to try to cover up shite directing. Not that it does of course. And then there were constant split-second flashbacks/flashforwards. Bloody hell they were annoying. Not to mention completely unnecessary.

As you may have gathered there's not really much sci-fi in this film. I really had hoped for more, especially when you consider the bloody film is called U.F.O. The only effects are the alien spacecraft, which we see briefly, and it's all crappy cgi anyway. This is just a film about a bunch of people I didn't care about doing a bunch of stuff I didn't care about. And they all die, which is no great loss. There are actually some pretty well known actors in this. Sean Pertwee plays the scruffy hoodie guy, but his appearance is all too brief. As is Julian Glover's appearance as the old git at the petrol station. Julian Glover, best known to Star Wars fans of course as General Veers in The Empire Strikes Back. But sadly not even an actor from the best of the Star Wars movies could save this sorry excuse of a film. And let's be brutally honest, Jean-Claude Van Damme was never going to do it. I don't think this film would appeal to even the most hardcore of JCVD fans. He's in it for roughly ten minutes, he sounds bored, he talks a lot of nonsense, and the way his scenes are cut together makes it difficult to watch. This is by far the lowest scoring film on IMDb that he appears in. That score by the way is 3.1 out of 10. Honestly, for me that's too high. At no point was I even remotely entertained or engaged by this film. If I were to use one word to sum up this film (other than swear words) I think it would have to be superficial. Move along people. Nothing to see here.