Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

The film starts in space on board a Russian space station. We know it's Russian because everyone is calling each other "comrade". Oh and there's a bloke outside on a spacewalk who's singing in Russian.

Suddenly some space junk comes into view and hits the bloke doing the spacewalk, knocking him off the station and flying into space. This in turn sends the space station spinning out of control. Not to worry my Russian comrades, I'm sure Superman will show up! Spoiler: Superman shows up. He gets the space station back under control and pops the stranded cosmonaut back inside.

Back on earth Clark goes to the farm where he grew up in Smallville. He goes to the barn and uncovers the little baby spaceship he came to earth in. Inside he finds one of those green crystal thingies from Krypton and we hear the voice of his mother say that this particular crystal thingy can only be used once, for what I have no idea. So Clark takes the crystal. Then some guy called Mr Hornsby turns up (minus The Range) and says he has a big buyer for the farm. Clark says thanks but no thanks, as he doesn't want to sell the farm to some big developer, but rather someone who actually wants a farm.

We then see Lex Luthor working in a chain gang. Some idiot kid turns up in an equally idiotic looking car. The prison guards are invited to get in said car to check out the preposterous looking sound system. The car is then remotely driven off a cliff and explodes. But because no one in this film seems to die, we see the prison guards' faces idiotically appear again above the edge of the cliff. Lex Luthor escapes with the idiot kid who turns out to be his nephew. But of course before the scene ends they both vow to kill Superman.

 We then see Clark Kent back in Metropolis. He just misses a subway train that Lois Lane managed to catch. But what's this? Shock, horror! The driver of the subway train slumps forward onto the dead man's handle and the train hurtles down the track out of control. Bizarrely, in a carriage packed with commuters Lois is the only one that cries for help. Clark hears her cries with his super hearing, changes into Superman and once again saves the day. Once he's stopped the train, he goes into the cab, checks the driver and proclaims to everyone that he's going to be fine. How does he know? Oh yeah, he's Superman, that's how he knows. That's how anything - I'm fucking Superman bitches! And just how many times has Superman got to save Lois? He even reversed time to bring her back to life for fucks sake. For someone who's supposedly a strong female character she sure needs rescuing a lot.

Clark and Lois finally get to work and it turns out the newspaper has been bought by some media tycoon and no one is very happy about it. Then apparently the president is addressing the nation on TV. He says peace talks have failed (peace talks?) and that America must be second to none in the nuclear arms race. We then cut to a class of children watching the president's address on TV. The teacher turns the TV off. She asks the kids what they can do about the "crisis" and one of them suggests writing to Superman, so that's what he does.

The Daily Planet finds the kid that wrote to Superman and interviews him. Because he had no reply from Superman the newspaper prints a story that basically says Superman can't be arsed to help rid the world of nuclear weapons. Obviously Superman is a bit miffed by this and also conflicted as to what he should do.

We then cut to a museum that has a strand of Superman's hair on display (I really hope it's head hair). Lex Luthor appears and steals said hair, saying that he's going to use it to clone Superman so that he can have his very own Superman to enable him to defeat Superman - or something like that. Some stupid plot bollocks anyway. Yes, we'll just call it plot bollocks. Plot bollocks happens.

Superman meets up with Lois and they go for a little fly together. Then Lois realises that Clark is Superman and he has to kiss her to make her forget what she's discovered. Hmm, all of this is starting to sound strangely familiar.

Seeing Lois has obviously helped Superman decide what he should do. The kid that wrote the letter is having his photo taken for the paper and Superman shows up. Superman and the kid go for a walk. Then they walk into the middle of the U.N. conference that's taking place. Of course they let Superman speak. He says a lot of soppy, preachy bollocks and at the end he says that effective immediately he's going to rid the world of all nuclear weapons. Everybody stands and applauds (and I cringe). Cut to a montage of Superman rounding up lots of nuclear missiles. He collects them all together in a "space net" and then chucks it into the sun. Hooray!

Lex Luthor meets with various heads of criminal organisations. They're all a bit miffed now that they can't sell nuclear arms anymore. But Lex informs them that he's found a way to destroy Superman. Lex says that he's going to create a "Nuclear Man" that will destroy Superman (what the actual fuck).

Nuclear Man in all his glory

Some more plot bollocks happens and Nuclear Man is born, with a rather impressive mullet it has to be said. Nuclear Man goes to visit his "dad" Lex Luthor. Apparently Nuclear Man's only weakness is extreme cold as he gets his power from the sun. Hmm, I can't see that being at all relevant in the next half an hour or so.

The "comic relief" now comes in the form of Superman and Clark Kent being invited to dinner with Lois and some blonde babe from the newspaper. Clark/Superman has to go through many quick changes to maintain the illusion that he is in fact two different people. Hilarity doesn't ensue.

Now Superman and Nuclear Man finally meet. Lex Luthor gives the order to "Destroy Superman". Nuclear Man says "But first, I have fun". What follows is some of the most cringe-worthy action I have ever had the misfortune to witness. Nuclear Man blows up the Great Wall of China, Superman repairs it with his laser vision. Nuclear Man makes a volcano erupt (steady now) and Superman plugs the volcano. Nuclear Man topples the Statue of Liberty, Superman puts it back. Nuclear Man does thing, Superman undoes thing. You get the idea.

Superman is completely knackered after fighting Nuclear Man. He looks like complete shit. Now he uses the green crystal thingy to re-energise himself or something.

They go back to fighting again, but this time they're on the moon (well of course they are). Nuclear Man literally hammers Superman into the moon like a stake until he's completely embedded in it. Then Nuclear Man flies back to Earth and grabs the blonde babe from the Daily Planet. Nuclear Man has some sort of fascination with her which is never made clear - maybe he just wanted some hairdressing tips. Anyway he flies up into space with her, but she doesn't die? Oh yeah of course, nobody dies.

How is this woman still alive?

Now earlier in the film we're supposed to believe that Nuclear Man was created by firing a missile containing Superman's DNA into the sun (sounds totally legit to me). So now Superman manages to unbury himself and pushes the moon in front of the sun to cause an eclipse, thus draining Nuclear Man of his power. So Nuclear Man is just hanging there limply in space. Superman grabs blonde babe (who is still alive of course) and returns her to Earth. He comes back and grabs Nuclear Man, takes him back to Earth and drops him straight down the chimney of a Nuclear power station and straight into the reactor (because I'm sure that's how nuclear power stations work). There's a surge in power and everyone has lots of lovely electricity. That's nice for them.

Then Superman gives another cheesy, condescending speech and goes to find Lex Luthor and his idiot nephew. He finds them both and delivers them to jail. The film ends in the usual way with Superman flying in space. He turns to the camera and gives his signature cheesy grin before flying away. The End.

This film is dreadful. It was really hard to watch. Superman 1 and 2 were great. Superman 3 was a bit shit, but it had Richard Pryor in it which helped to redeem it a lot. But Superman 4 is just diabolical and not at all a fitting end to Christopher Reeve's tenure as Superman.

The plot is farcical and cheesy, the science is beyond dodgy, and the whole film is just thoroughly unentertaining. The last third of the film is literally fight sequences - shit fight sequences.  Maybe this film was trying to say something about the state of the world at the time, but it fails. Mainly because it's so shit, but also because the film was massively behind the times. It came out in 1987, which as you probably know was towards the end of the cold war. Release this film four or five years earlier and it may have had more of an impact - but I doubt it.

So the film is a pile of arse, but I do want to defend Christopher Reeve here a bit. He does his best with what he's given, but I think even he probably realised early on that this film was going to die on its arse. But I'm going to say something that maybe not many people will agree with. I think Christopher Reeve was a fantastic actor in this role. The way his whole body language, his mannerisms and his personality would change as soon as he put on those glasses was amazing. There was a definite switch between Superman and Clark Kent. Now I haven't watched any of the modern Superman films and honestly I probably won't. The only other Superman I've seen is "The New Adventures of" series in the 90's (and honestly, that was mostly so I could perv over Teri Hatcher). But Dean Cain? Well he wasn't much of a Superman was he? Actually I take that back, he was a great Superman, he was just a shit Clark Kent - he was just Superman in glasses. And that's my point - you have to be able to act both roles. And that's what Christopher Reeve did perfectly.

So go back and watch Superman 1 and 2. Hey, even watch Superman 3 if you have to. But I implore you with every fibre of my being, steer well clear of Superman 4 and remember Christopher Reeve ar his best.