There's something heading towards the Enterprise (I bet it's something strange and wibbly). The red alert sounds which has to be the most annoying red alert sound ever. It's the kind of noise a guinea pig would make if you were to stand on it (accidentally of course). They pass through the wibbly thing and thankfully the red alert ends. They then pick up a radio message saying that a ship is in distress and has had to make an emergency landing on a planet somewhere. Apparently the ship is called Columbia and disappeared 18 years ago, with the radio wave taking that long to reach our friends. There's an M class planet in the system where Columbia vanished, meaning there's a slim possibility there could be survivors. But without any evidence to back this up, Pike decides to maintain their current course.
Pike calls the ship's doc to his quarters. Pike tells the doc that he's tired of the responsibility of being Captain and is thinking of jacking it all in. (Don't worry my friend, you only have this episode to go). Spock interrupts this badly acted scene and informs Pike that they have received a follow up radio message to say that there are definitely survivors from Columbia on the M class planet. So they decide to sod off to the rescue after all. Words cannot adequately describe how travelling at warp 7 is portrayed in this episode. Let's just say it's unbelievably cheesy and shite.
Yeoman babe comes onto the bridge and rather clumsily bumps into Pike. He is rather grumpy and annoyed at her so she quickly leaves. Number 1 (who is also a woman) reminds Pike that Yeoman babe has only just replaced his former Yeoman. Pike concedes that Yeoman babe is doing a good job but that he "can't get used to having a woman on the bridge". Pike quickly realises what he just said and apologises to Number 1 saying "No offence Lieutenant, you're different of course" and now she's doubly offended.
They reach orbit around the crudely drawn planet. A party of six beams down to the planet's surface, which of course includes Spock and Pike. They quickly reach a camp of 11 survivors, comprising of 10 old duffers and one young blonde babe, who rather conveniently was born soon after they crashed (old enough as far as Pike is concerned). We see Pike sniffing around the young woman and we then see that there are a race of bum-headed aliens who are also secretly observing Pike's attraction to the woman.
The away team are preparing to beam up the survivors. Suddenly blonde babe remarks that Pike is healthy and intelligent and a "prime specimen". She goes on to say "I think it's time to show the Captain our secret". The old duffers concur that she should indeed show Pike their secret. And like the horny dog that he is, Pike decides to go with blonde babe. Blonde babe and all the other survivors suddenly disappear and two of the bum-headed aliens appear from a hidden entrance in the rocks. They zap Pike and drag him away. The rest of the away team try to blast the entrance with their phasers but to no avail. Spock then communicates to the ship that there are no survivors and that it's all some sort of trap. I noted that Spock actually says "There is no survivors". Really Spock? I thought a Vulcan would know better. Maybe they couldn't afford to do a second take.Pike comes to in a cell with some sort of reinforced glass (I guess a forcefield effect was beyond the special effects department's capabilities at the time). Pike can see other cells with different species in. Okay, so one is just a guy in a gorilla suit and another is a guy in a chicken suit, but you get the idea. The alien bum heads appear and there's the usual boring scene where Pike says his intentions are peaceful and the aliens remark upon how primitive humans are. But the scene ends with the aliens saying that they will soon begin the "experiment".
Back on the Enterprise the away team has returned and they decide to hold a meeting. We don't really learn anything new here. They discuss the fact that the aliens are very intelligent and that they can produce illusions by reading the thoughts and desires from the crew's minds. It's all stuff we've already worked out for ourselves really. In the end they decide to reroute the ship's power to the surface and try to blow the door on the alien hideout.
Back on the surface Pike is shown a memory of a planet he had visited two weeks earlier where he had to fight some dude with a Russian hat and an axe. He notes that everything is the same, except this time blonde babe is also there. Pike kills the Russian dude (again) and saves blonde babe. The scene ends and Pike and blonde babe are together in Pike's cell. There's a rather eye-rolling scene between the two of them. I'll spare you the details, but some examples of the dialogue between the two include "Are you real?". "As real as you wish" and "I have to wear something, don't I?" and "Let me please you". You get the idea I'm sure. To his credit though Pike isn't buying any of it and says that there's no point in continuing the conversation.
An away team tries to blast the door of the alien hideout using the ship's power. They fail. But as the doc points out, they can't be sure of anything because of the aliens' ability to create illusions. Pike questions blonde babe about the aliens. She says they can't make you do anything you don't want to do, but they can punish you if you don't cooperate. She says they have a whole collection of "specimens" from throughout the galaxy. Pike then realises that he and blonde babe are essentially Adam and Eve. The aliens overhear this conversation and "punish" blonde babe. She screams, writhes around a bit and then vanishes. The aliens admit to Pike that Columbia did crash on their planet but that there was only one survivor, which of course is blonde babe. The aliens say she was pretty beat up but that they managed to repair her. The aliens found her interesting and wanted to find a mate for her.
Pike then finds himself in a rather twee setting back on earth with blonde babe. They're having a picnic and Pike's horse Tango is there. (By the way, thumbs up here for having a real horse and not two guys in a suit). Pike comes to the realisation that he doesn't want to pack his job as Captain in after all, and that he'd find the sort of life depicted in this illusion to be utterly boring.
There follows another pointless scene where blonde babe turns into a brunette and is dancing provocatively. She's also green skinned, so presumably she's supposed to be some sort of alien. Pike's fellow crewmates (well the men at least) are sat around leering and eating grapes. It all looks a bit Roman empire. This is supposed to depict Pike's more carnal desires, but I'm sure given the time it was made it was just an excuse to have an attractive young woman do some sexy dancing. Pike walks out of the room in disgust at his fellow crewmates and finds himself back in his cell. He turns round and there is blonde… sorry, brunette alien babe.
Back on the Enterprise they decide to try to beam down directly into the alien hideout. Although it is noted that there is a chance they may beam down straight into solid rock given the aliens' penchant for illusion. For this reason it's a volunteer-only mission. The party begin to transport, but only Yeoman babe and Number 1 disappear, to which Spock exclaims "The women!" in a most un-Vulcan like manner. Yeoman babe, Number 1 and blonde babe all end up in Pike's cell. The aliens say that as Pike is resisting the current specimen, he now has a "selection" to choose from. The aliens reveal that Number 1 often has fantasies involving Pike, while Yeoman babe finds Pike to be out of her league. Way to make things awkward alien dudes.
Back on the Enterprise Spock decides that it's time to fuck off and leave Pike to die (that would never happen with Kirk). But just as he gives the order to leave all the ship's power dies. Back on the planet, a hatch opens up in Pike's cell and one of the aliens crawls through to try and grab a couple of phasers on the floor that the girls brought with them. Quite why the alien decides to do this is a complete mystery. Pike manages to grab the alien and begins to strangle him. The alien transforms into the guy in the monkey suit. Pike tells the alien to stop the illusion or he'll twist his head off. The alien transforms back, but says if Pike doesn't release him he'll destroy the Enterprise. So Pike relents. However he picks up one on the non-functioning phasers, aims it at the glass force field and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. But he confronts the alien, saying that the non-functioning phaser is just an illusion and that in reality it has blasted a hole in the glass. Pike asks if the alien would like him to try the theory out on his head. Suddenly the illusion disappears and the hole in the glass is revealed.
They all make their way to the planet's surface with Pike still holding the phaser to the alien's head. However the alien is still preventing them from contacting the Enterprise. He still insists that the humans stay here on the planet and create a new race. Number 1 says that it's wrong to keep a race of humans as slaves. She takes a phaser and sets it to build up a charge and eventually explode. The alien then comes to the realisation that humans hate captivity and would rather die than be kept as slaves. He says this makes the human race too violent and dangerous for their "needs". So everyone is free to go. Hooray! Well except for blonde babe that is. She says she can't go with them. The aliens then reveal blonde babe's true appearance to be that of a hideous old bag (or Katie Price without the makeup). Captain Pike asks that the aliens give blonde babe her illusion of beauty back. They do this and more, as in fact she ends up with a clone of Captain Pike all to herself. The alien says "She has an illusion and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant". Everybody's happy.
The episode ends on the bridge with Yeoman babe asking Pike who would've been his choice for Eve. Number 1 tells her that she's delivered her report and can piss off now, which she does. The Enterprise (although thankfully not the vast majority of the crew) flies off to its next adventure and the familiar theme song plays once again. The end.
I won't lie, I really struggled to get through this. This isn't any Star Trek that I know and love. Quite how they commissioned a series based upon this I'll never know. The characters (apart from the obvious exception of Spock) are so dull and uninspiring. Pike is like Kirk without the hammy and cheesy acting. I want my ham and cheese dammit. Pike is just too damn serious. There's definitely no chemistry between Pike and Spock (as I've said, Spock is all to keen to leave Pike to die at the earliest possible opportunity). The doc is just some old duffer with no personality to speak of. The three women characters are all very weak, serving only as love interests for Pike.
What makes Star Trek proper such a good series is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. And of course the wonderful chemistry between Kirk, Spock and McCoy, which has often been imitated but never bettered. This was just far too serious to the point of being boring. And there was no chemistry at all. Ever. Oh yeah, and at one point Spock actually smiles. And I don't just mean a little wry smile. He does a big old grin and shows his teeth and all. It just looks so wrong. Thankfully when the series proper came along they had Spock's personality (or lack thereof) sorted out.
For those Star Trek fans that do watch this (and I recommend that you don't) and you think that Number 1 looks familiar then you'd be right. She is in fact a very young looking Lwaxana Troi. But as I say, I really can't recommend that anyone watch this. Not even die-hard fans of Trek. It will ultimately leave you feeling disappointed and longing for some proper Star Trek. All I can say is thank god they changed the series so much after the pilot, otherwise I doubt we'd be talking about a little thing called Star Trek all these years later.
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