Teenagers from Outer Space

The year is present day 1959. A non-bearded guy looks through a telescope in an observatory. He gets all excited because he thinks he's seen something. He calls another guy over who must be his senior because he has a beard. (Beards are important in establishing intellectual hierarchy). The object has gone, and the bearded guy tells his young colleague that he probably just saw a comet or a meteor. However the non-bearded of the two men insists it was something that was drill-like in shape and movement.

Cut to a dog howling in the desert. The dog is howling at something in the sky. It is indeed a drill-like object that's descending from the heavens, accompanied by some shitty dramatic music. The drill-like object lands and immediately looks orders of magnitude less impressive than it did in the sky. It's your bog standard looking flying saucer, which bizarrely appears to be about the size of a dustbin lid. The credits roll over the landed saucer while more shitty dramatic music plays. The dog runs over to the saucer and starts barking at it. The hatch at the top of the saucer opens, a guy appears and shoots a ray gun at the dog. The dog immediately vapourises and all that's left are its skeletal remains. Several more guys emerge from the saucer carrying cases. I can only assume the saucer utilises TARDIS technology. Either that or the guys are all very, very familiar with each other.

One of the guys tells another guy to go and get the "gargon" specimen from the saucer. However the youngest member of the group, Derek (don't laugh), says he has found evidence of intelligent life on earth, provided by the inscribed tag that was on the dog's collar. Derek and Thor (the guy who killed the dog) have a bit of a tiff. Derek questions Thor's need to kill everything he sees. The captain tells them both to shut up and proceed with fetching the gargon from the saucer. But Derek pulls a ray gun on the captain and says that they'll report conditions on earth as being unsatisfactory. Derek says that only civilised beings could have made the inscription on the dog's tag, and therefore they shouldn't bring thousands of gargons to earth to have them destroy the civilisation. Then there's a bit more of a tiff where it's established that gargons are creatures that our alien friends breed for their meat. They grow rapidly to an enormous size, and so the alien visitors want to find a nearby planet upon which the gargons can live and breed. Derek also explains how pants his civilisation is. They have no families, are used as slaves, and once you're too old and no longer useful you're put to death. Derek thinks that this is all wrong. The captain says that when they return home Derek could be tried and executed by the high court for treason. But Derek insists that they find an uninhabited planet for the gargons to live on.

Sadly Derek is overpowered and the captain tells one of the others to fetch the gargon specimen. At this point we see the dreaded gargon. I was quite excited to see what this much talked about and feared creature would look like. It's a lobster. It's just a fucking lobster (cue sad trombone). While they're all fannying about with the gargon Derek manages to give them the slip and make a run for it. Thor goes to shoot Derek but the captain stops him. The captain says that Derek must be brought back alive as he is the son of their leader, a fact that Derek himself is unaware of. The lobst... sorry, I mean the gargon appears to thrive on earth. The captain orders the others to secure the gargon in a nearby cave. He says they can monitor its growth rate and see exactly how much meat they can expect to get from the herds. He says they'll begin looking for Derek in the morning. The captain goes into the saucer to contact the leader. The leader says the captain must return home to prepare for the transportation of the gargon herds, but that he should leave his best guy behind to search for Derek. The leader says that if necessary Derek and anyone he comes into contact with can be killed. So the captain leaves Thor behind while he and the other guys bog off home.

Derek heads into the nearest town. He locates the address that was on the dog's tag. It turns out that a young woman called Betty and her grandad live there. They have a room for rent so Derek decides to stay. Betty is quite taken with Derek. She asks her grandad if it's okay for Derek to stay rent-free until he finds a job. Betty's grandad is obviously quite taken as well, as he says that's no problem at all. (The people in this town are so nice it's downright creepy). Betty says she's going over to her friend's house to swim in their pool and so she invites Derek too. Meanwhile Thor is in town and hot on Derek's trail. Thor is turning the residents into skeletons as he goes and is generally being a bit of an arse.

Derek and Betty arrive at her friend's house. Betty discovers her dog's tag. Derek explains that when he arrived he was with some other men, and that one of them destroyed the dog. He says he found the tag amongst the remains. Betty can't quite believe it, so she asks Derek to take her to the spot where it happened. Thor arrives at Betty's house. Her grandad, assuming that Thor is Derek's friend, tells him where they went. Derek and Betty arrive at the landing site and sure enough there are Sparky the dog's remains. Betty says it can't be Sparky because all that's left is the skeleton. Derek then explains to Betty how their ray guns work. Betty asks if it's a new secret weapon that Derek and the others invented, and then the others turned against him. Derek says yes, something like that. He says he should try and find someone he can explain it to (presumably he thinks Betty isn't quite up to the task of comprehension). Betty says there's a professor in town, so they make their way to see him.

Thor arrives at the house of Betty's friend. She doesn't like Thor's tone and so refuses to tell him where they went. So Thor rather predictably turns Betty's friend into a skeleton. Betty and Derek call by Betty's house on the way to see the professor. Betty's grandad is asleep so she leaves him a note to say where they've gone. Thor turns up at Betty's house and once again, her grandad is very obliging and tells Thor where they've gone. Derek and Betty arrive at the professor's office. He hasn't arrived yet. His secretary says they can wait in his office, but Betty says they'll wait out in the car park. The professor arrives at his office and sends his secretary off to fetch something. Thor comes into the office and demands that the professor tell him where the others went. The professor says he has no idea what he's talking about. So Thor turns the professor into a skeleton (yawn). Thor leaves and Derek and Betty return to find the skeletal remains of the professor. Betty says she must phone her grandad. Betty explains to her grandad that Thor isn't exactly the best of friends with Derek. She tells him to leave the house and meet her at the police station. Betty calls the police to explain the situation and to let them known she's on her way. The police say they'll be waiting with armed guys outside when they arrive. Thor gets to Betty's grandad before he manages to escape. He forces Betty's grandad to drive to the police station.

Everyone arrives at the police station at the same time. There's a gun battle between Thor and the police. Thor turns a couple of policemen into skeletons, but he is also shot and wounded. Thor manages to give them the slip. Betty and Derek discover drops of blood on the pavement next to a parked car. Rather predictably Thor is in the back of the car. He forces Derek and Betty to get into the car. Thor demands they drive to see a doctor. In the doctor's surgery Thor is asked to lie down. The doc says he will give Thor an anaesthetic but Thor says he won't be drugged, he just wants the doc to remove the bullets. Thor still has Betty and Derek at gunpoint. Derek asks Thor why he didn't shoot him when he tried to escape. It's at this point that Thor reveals that Derek is the son of the leader.

Thor is delirious and only just conscious. Betty, Derek and the doc use this as their chance to escape. The doc says Thor won't be conscious for long. The three of them head back to the police station. As they arrive the doc suddenly remembers that his nurse will be arriving for morning surgery. He gets on the phone to tell her not to treat Thor. But sadly the call comes too late, the nurse has already treated and revived Thor. The doc explains that Thor is a murderer. The nurse repeats "A muirderer!" (I did actually laugh out loud at this point).

Thor forces the nurse to drive to the landing site. Betty's friend who is also a reporter is there mooching around. He sees Thor and the nurse and takes off in his car. Thor tells the nurse to drive after him but she refuses. Thor knocks her out and starts to drive himself. There's a bit of a car chase around some twisty mountain roads. Thor is still a bit the worse for wear and is all over the road. The nurse comes to and manages to jump out of the car, just before Thor drives off the road and down the mountain. We then see the headline in the paper "Killer in accident, captured alive" followed by a news report that says Thor is in confinement in hospital. We also learn from the news that a "monster" that was shackled in a nearby cave has escaped after chomping on a policeman. He went inside to investigate while Betty's reporter friend was there (oh yeah, I forgot that bit). The news goes on to say that groups of armed volunteers are now out trying to track down and destroy the monster.

Betty and Derek drive to where Thor's accident took place. Derek says if he can retrieve Thor's gun he can use it to destroy the escaped gargon. While Betty and Derek search for the gun by moonlight, Betty finally clicks that Derek isn't from this planet. So Derek comes clean and there's some soppy bollocks between them. Betty says she doesn't want Derek to go back home. Derek says "I shall make the earth my home. And I shall never, never leave it". Then they kiss while some soppy violin music plays. All of a sudden the lobst... gargon appears, only this time it's greatly increased in size after having chomped on the policeman. Derek picks up a rock to throw at the gargon, and rather handily finds Thor's gun underneath. But the gun must've been damaged in the accident and no longer works. Bummer. However they manage to escape in the car. The search party also come into contact with the gargon and many of them are killed.

Derek says the gun could still work if he can find an alternate source of energy. He thinks that hooking the gun up to the electricity grid may work. Betty tells her grandad to wait at the house while she and Derek go to the edge of town. Betty's reporter friend turns up at her house. He asks her grandad why he and Betty aren't taking shelter from the gargon. Betty's grandad says that Derek and Betty took off for the edge of town. Realising that Betty and Derek are going to try and kill the gargon, Betty's grandad exclaims "Those crazy kids!" and he and Betty's reporter friend take off after them.

Derek climbs an electricity pole. Realising that Derek can't cut live wires, Betty quickly phones the power company and gets them to cut the power. Once the gun is hooked up Betty asks them to turn the power on again. There then follows a Star Trek-esque scene where Betty is shouting at the guy at the electric plant that they need more power. The guy says he can join in more circuits but it may blow up the line, Captain. Betty tells him to try anything, it's their only chance, Scotty. Eventually there is enough power and the gargon is defeated. Hooray!

Derek says to Betty that he must leave and that he knows what he has to do. Betty is rather upset and reminds him of his promise to her. But still, Derek takes off alone in the car. Betty, her grandad and the reporter guy return to Betty's house to find Derek has changed back into his space gear. Derek forces the reporter guy to get into the car with him by using the broken ray gun. Derek begs Betty not to interfere. Betty is about to tell her reporter friend that the gun doesn't work but she thinks better of it. Derek then tells the reporter guy to take him to the hospital where they are treating Thor. They arrive at the hospital and manage to get Thor out and into the car. Derek tells Thor that he's been stupid, but he's seen the error of his ways. He says they're going to meet the other ships that are arriving shortly. There then follows a news report saying that lots of alien ships are approaching, followed by shots of people looking skyward in horror while an air raid siren sounds.

Betty and her grandad arrive at the landing site, closely followed by Derek, Thor and the reporter guy. Betty again reminds Derek of his promise to her. Derek says that he's not forgotten it. A guide ship lands and Derek's dad hops out. Derek asks his dad if he can go inside the guide ship and bring the fleet of gargon carrying ships in for a safe landing. Derek's dad says sure, why not. Derek goes inside the ship and quickly locks the hatch. Derek tells the fleet to increase speed and gives them false co-ordinates. Betty, her grandad and her reporter friend take shelter in the cave. The fleet crash lands and all the gargons, Derek and our alien friends are killed. Aww. Shame those saucers never had any windows to look out of. The three venture back out of the cave. Some soppy violin music plays and a ghostly image of Derek's face appears in the sky. "I shall make the earth my home and I shall never, never leave it". The End.

There are a number of things wrong with this film. Firstly I have to take issue with the title. Derek is clearly the youngest of the alien guys who comes to earth. But when they filmed this the guy who played Derek was 25, a little too old to be classed as a teenager I would suggest. Maybe the lobster was a teenager? So in fact there are no teenagers from outer space. In fact there are no teenagers at all, from outer space or otherwise, because the woman who played Betty was 24. Interestingly this was the last film she appeared in. This was the only film, other than a short, that the guy who played Derek appeared in. So we're not exactly witnessing the birth of long and illustrious acting careers here. There's a good reason for that; neither of them can act. Actually that's not entirely accurate. NO ONE in this film can act. Everyone in this film is just saying the lines they've been told to say. It's as if none of them are aware of what acting actually entails. Derek is positively monotone. It's like watching Natalie Portman's Queen Amidala all over again. Okay, I admit it could never be quite THAT monotone, but it's not far off.

I hate the over friendliness of Betty and her grandad towards Derek. They're just so nice and over accommodating to the point of being sickening. I genuinely thought Betty's grandad was going to whore Betty out to Derek at some point. I don't know if 1950's America was this friendly towards complete strangers, but I'm guessing not. I don't think there's many people who would let a complete stranger stay rent-free in their house indefinitely, and immediately let said stranger go off with their granddaughter. The whole tone felt jarring and unrealistic.

The plot is reasonable I suppose, but I got the feeling that the story got increasingly fragmented as it went along. The special effects are dreadful. The "gargon" is literally just a lobster. I mean come on, they could've at least made some effort. The flying saucer is the laziest looking saucer I think I've ever seen. There's no detail on it whatsoever. Chuck some lights on there, or have the thing surrounded by dry ice. Just something. Anything. I will give them credit for having the dog and the humans dissolve to skeletons though. I imagine that was quite impressive (and probably scary) for the time. Thor's turning everyone and everything into skeletons did get a little tiresome after a while though. I'm guessing they knew they had a good effect and so wanted to keep using it, especially as the rest of the special effects were so dire.

I know having human aliens keeps the cost down, but they could've at least said that they were humanoid and not literally humans. At one point Derek even says to Betty that the only difference between them is that they were born so far apart. Alien life is pretty much a given. But alien life that evolves in another part of the universe to be identical to us in every way? No, that's not happening.

So overall this film is pretty bad. However I did manage to get through it in one sitting, so it's got that going for it I suppose. This film has an IMDb rating of 3.5 out of 10. That's probably about right I think. It's below average, but it's by no means the worst thing I've seen. I can't really recommend watching this, but should you end up in the unfortunate position of having to watch it, I don't think it will mentally or emotionally scar you for life.