Now I had a bit of a problem. There's an opening scroll at this point (a la Star Wars) but in the version I watched it was in bloody French. My French is sadly lacking, but fortunately my googling is first class. So apparently the opening scroll says:
"In a time before time, life existed in the Outer Galaxies. Vast star nations prospered under the kind rule of the Star Emperor until... The rise of the evil Count Zarth Arn, arch ruler of The Haunted Stars. In the secrecy of his hidden domain on the phantom planet the Count created the ultimate weapon, a weapon designed to destroy the very minds of those who would oppose him. Knowledge of this weapon soon reached the Star Emperor. An Imperial starship was sent to locate the Count and confirm the existence of such a weapon. The starship was destroyed. It was an easy victory for the Count and proved that his Dark World was invincible, that the dark forces of evil could rise again and ultimately dominate the galaxy. From the Haunted Stars to the Edge of the Universe, Count Zarth Arn would spread his terror and treachery. The time had come for rebellion".
So er, now you know. Yes, it all sounds very Star Wars. Then we cut to outlaw space babe Stella Star and her sidekick Akton. They're in their ship, being pursued by the Imperial Space Police and police robot Elle. Elle has a bloke's voice so I'm assuming he's a boy robot, although we never get to see any groinal attachments so who knows. Stella and Akton manage to evade the Space Police. They end up at the edge of The Haunted Stars and find a ship adrift in space. Stella space walks over to take a look. She finds one lone survivor and brings him back to her ship. The survivor keeps talking about red monsters and insists that they must alert the Emperor. In the meantime the Space Police have caught up with Stella and Akton and have them surrounded by ships. Stella decides to surrender. Akton is sentenced to 220 years hard labour. Stella is sentenced to forced labour for life. Bummer.
We then see Stella in the labour camp. She's changed into thigh-high leather boots and a leather bikini. I'm guessing they must be standard prisoner issue or something. Although strangely none of the other female prisoners seem to be wearing the uniform? There's a bit of a kerfuffle between the prisoners and the guards and so Stella uses this as her opportunity to escape. She finds a ship outside waiting for her. She goes onboard and finds Elle and the Space Police there. Elle says they've come to free her as her sentence has been cancelled. Akton's too apparently. Elle says they've all been assigned to a top secret Imperial mission. So they go pick up Akton and then catch up with the Imperial Flagship. The Emperor appears on Stella's ship via hologram. (So they go to the trouble of flying to the Imperial Flagship and the Emperor can't even be arsed to meet them in person. Nice). Anyway, the Emperor says that Stella and Akton are the only ones who can help him. He says that Zarth has created a weapon of awesome power, so vast that it can only be concealed by an entire planet (kind of like a Death Star, maybe). So they have to find the Count's secret planet and destroy it. Nothing too tricky then. He also asks that they search for the Commander of a missing Imperial ship as "He was my only son" he tells us while some soppy piano music plays.So Stella, Akton, Elle and some green Space Police bloke all fly off together into The Haunted Stars. They locate one of the escape pods on a planet, so Stella and Elle take a shuttle down to the surface. They land on a beach and find the crashed escape pod close by. It's in pretty bad shape though so they don't think that anyone would've survived. However they decide to take a look around. Stella and Elle soon run into the "Amazon" women who inhabit the planet. The Amazon women capture Stella and Elle. They kill Elle and take Stella to see the Amazon Queen. The Queen orders the women to put Stella into the "mind probe" but just before they do, a non-dead Elle appears and holds a gun to the Queen's head. The Amazons release Stella and she and Elle make their escape. They have to deal with a giant but extremely poorly animated robot first. But the robot looks as though it can barely stand up on its own, let alone pose any real threat. Back in space there's a battle between our friends and the Amazon's ships, but it all looks a bit naff and our friends are the victors.
They find the second of the escape pods on an ice planet, so Stella and Elle set off to investigate once again (seems like Akton has it pretty easy to me). They find the escape pod, but sadly it just has dead bodies in it. Back on board the ship the green police dude whacks Akton over the head. He calls up the evil Zarth on the view screen. He says he's killed Akton (wouldn't he want to check that?) and taken control of the ship. Zarth asks about Stella and Elle. The green police dude says that the planet's harsh environment will take care of them. Zarth says "Good. Then I await your immediate arrival". How can you await something that's immediate? Oh well, whatever. Green police dude tries to take off but the ship's computer says that there is a malfunction somewhere. Stella and Elle make it back to the ship, but of course green space dude won't let them in. It's getting cold, so Elle tells Stella to lie in the snow next to him and hold his hand. He says he can use his energy to keep Stella alive, but she'll be in a state of suspended animation.
Back on the ship the not-very-dead Akton comes to and has a fist fight with green police dude. Green police dude fires his laser gun at Akton but it has no effect. Akton has been developing his "special powers" which are a bit like the Force or something. Akton deflects the laser beams back at green police dude killing him. He lets Elle and Stella back on the ship. They have to slowly defrost Stella, but she's fine. Akton admits that he sabotaged the ship so that green police dude couldn't take off. So yes, he can see into the future too by using the For... sorry, his "special powers". They take off and go looking for the third escape pod.
They reach orbit around the planet where the escape pod is located, but they're attacked by the Mysteron/lava lamp thing. However they manage to survive unscathed. Akton says that they've just survived an attack from the "most powerful weapon in the entire galaxy". (I didn't know lava lamps were that dangerous). Anyway, they land on the planet and once again Elle and Stella venture out to investigate. They find the escape pod in a large crater and Elle goes down to take a look. Suddenly Stella and Elle are attacked by cavemen. The cavemen bash Elle to bits and tie Stella up. They carry her back to their camp. They're about to have Stella for tea when a guy appears wearing a mask that can shoot laser beams from its eyes. He sends all the cavemen running and rescues Stella. They take shelter in a cave. Stella asks the guy who he is. He takes off the mask and BLOODY HELL IT'S DAVID HASSELHOFF! Okay, I admit I already knew he was in this. But I was starting to have my doubts as it's 55 minutes into the film before he puts in an appearance. The Hoff says that his name is Simon. And that he's the lone survivor of an Imperial ship. Simon and Stella run into a spot of bother with the cavemen again. But then Akton appears with a lightsabre (there's no other word I can use, it's a lightsabre alright) and he gets them out of trouble. Akton tells the other two he's worked out that this is Zarth's secret planet. He says they must find the weapon and destroy it.
They travel deep within the planet and find Zarth's underground complex. They find massive networks of computers. Apparently the computers are used to beam projections of the Mysteron/lava lamp monsters directly into people's brains and drive them mad. Or something like that anyway. Basically it's all controlled by computer and the monsters don't actually exist. They head over to the computer's control panel and Zarth appears, along with his guards and a couple of creepy looking clockwork robot things. Zarth says that the planet will be blown to shit with our friends on it. And the Emperor too, as he's been informed that Simon is on the planet and is coming to collect him. Yes, shock horror, Simon is the Emperor's son. Wow, I never saw that coming. (There maybe a hint of sarcasm there. Maybe). Zarth instructs the creepy robots to stop our friends from leaving the room, by killing them if necessary. Zarth laughs maniacally and then bogs off. Akton whips out his lightsabre again and defeats the robots, but sadly he's mortally wounded. He tells Stella not to worry and that he'll live forever. Then he disappears, kind of like Obi-Wan, but with a bit less style.
Simon's dad arrives. Simon tells him it's too late as they're all just about to be blown to shit. But the Imperial Flagship apparently has a laser beam on it that can freeze time, so that's okay then. It's only good for three minutes though, so they still have to get a bit of a lick on. They get back to the Imperial Flagship and fly away, just as the planet is blown to shit. The Emperor then orders an attack on Zarth's headquarters. There then follows a very Star Wars-like space battle. Well kind of like Star Wars, but shit. The bit where I did actually laugh out loud was when the Imperial Flagship started firing missiles at Darth's ship. But then the missiles crash through the windows, open up, and two soldiers get out! You really need to see it.
After a rather long and confusing battle between the soldiers, where you're not quite sure who is supposed to be shooting who, sadly the Emperor's men are defeated. They think all is lost, but the Emperor has one last trick up his sleeve. He plans to crash his floating city into Zarth's headquarters. Simon and Stella head for the floating city in a spaceship. We're told that the city has already been evacuated and that it has been wired to explode. Simon wants to stay with Stella and pilot the floating city, but Stella says he must stay onboard the spaceship and be ready to rescue her. Simon insists she's not to go alone through. So cue a freshly rebuilt Elle. Stella and Elle set the floating city on its collision course and then make a quick exit. The city successfully crashes into Zarth's headquarters and blows it to shit (cue a lot of cheap plastic models and pyrotechnics). Simon picks up Elle and Stella. The Emperor proclaims the galaxy to be a peaceful and happy place once again. Hooray. The End.
This film is bad. But it's bad in a good way, so that's okay. This film is so hammy and cheesy you could put it between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich. It was released in 1978 and very blatantly and unashamedly tried to cash in on the success of Star Wars. The plot, while convoluted and off its tits, is very similar. You have good and evil forces battling against each other, a bad guy hell bent on ruling the universe, planet-sized weapons of mass destruction, faithful sidekick robots, light sabres, mystical forces, etc. etc. I mean, it's all there. And try watching the Emperor's performance and not think of Obi-Wan Kenobi, I dare you.
We of course already know that The Hoff can't act for shit. You only have to watch an old episode of Shite Rider to realise that. But he doesn't look out of place in this, as none of the others can act either. Caroline Munro who plays Stella definitely can't act, but I couldn't give a toss. She wears a leather bikini and thigh high leather boots for the vast majority of this film. And boy does she wear them well. She's way hotter than Princess Leia and she's got a decent hairdo as well. So our heroine is called Stella Star. But doesn't Stella mean star too? So her name is actually Star Star? Then again, Luke Skywalker is a pretty dumb name if you really stop to think about it (but maybe not quite as dumb as Luke Starkiller).
What the cast lacks in acting ability they certainly make up for in enthusiasm. I think they enjoyed making this and it shows. The film has a whole 'naff 70s disco' quality to it, and I like that. Maybe it's the fact that they have different, brightly coloured stars in their universe, or maybe it's the outfits and the perms on the guys. The special effects are quite Star Wars like, but there's a cheap, plasticky look to the models. Basically you can't help but notice that they're actually small models, and not giant spacecraft travelling through space. However I'm guessing this was made with a fraction of the budget of Star Wars. There's a bit of a Star Wars like quality to the music in this film too. And I have to say in places it's actually pretty bloody good, especially for the climactic battle.
IMDb currently rates Starcrash at 3.9 out of 10. If you consider the overall naffness of this film then I guess that's a fair reflection. But for me it's that overall naff quality that makes it so good. It was done badly, but with style. I think sometimes it's difficult to convey exactly what differentiates a shit film from a brilliantly shit film, and I'm not sure I've done a very good job of it here. Most low-budget Star Wars rip-offs make me angry, but there's just something about Starcrash that I can't help but love. I think Starcrash teaches us an important life lesson; if you're going to make a shite Star Wars rip-off, make sure it has a leather-clad space babe in it.
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