Virtuality

Wow, I'm actually at a loss for words. I'll try and find a few. Shite is one that springs to mind. Yes, this film is shite. Definitely shite. So this film was actually a pilot for a TV show that mercifully never saw the light of day. But the network was contractually obliged to show the pilot anyway, so it became a dreadful "made for tv" movie.

Okay, so it's sometime in the future and the earth is going to shit. 12 people are on-board a space ship heading for a nearby star system. Of course space is fairly big, so this nearby star system is still ten years away. Presumably they're going to try and find an earth-like planet or something. I'm not sure, I didn't care. Oh yeah, apparently the whole mission is being televised as some sort of Big Brother type show too. To stop the crew going mental-trousers insane and killing each other, they each have a virtual reality headset where they can escape the utter boredom of the real world. I wish I had a virtual reality headset to escape the utter boredom of this film. Seriously, nothing happens. Ever.

The crew are about six months into their mission. They're reaching a critical "go, no-go" decision of whether to slingshot around Neptune and fuck off into deep space, or just bog off back to earth with their tails between their legs. We see various crew members in their virtual reality fantasies. These range from the American civil war to being a spy who's masquerading as the female lead singer of a Japanese rock band (oh how I wish I was kidding). Rather inevitably something starts to go wrong with the virtual reality system. This creepy guy keeps turning up in the crew's VR fantasies and generally doing nasty things like shooting them. The girl who's the spy/rock chick actually gets raped by this unsavoury character. Thankfully we don't see the actual act. That would've seriously lowered my opinion of this film. And let's face it, my opinion couldn't get much lower. The crew have a meeting about the malfunctioning VR module. After a rather long and boring meeting it's decided that the VR module will stay, as the negative effects on the crew of having no escape from their mind-numbingly boring existence would be too great. So the VR stays, despite having a rogue murderer/rapist in its midst.

So the crew bog off into deep space. And oh no, there's a problem with the outside of the ship which means some of the crew have to attempt a space walk to fix it. Some of the crew don their space suits including the commander. The commander is out in the airlock. He hasn't had time to put his helmet on yet but oh no, the airlock door closes. He thinks it's one of his colleagues messing about and tells them to open the door. But they find they're unable to. And shock horror, the outer door to the airlock starts to open. Despite protestations from the crew, the ship's computer seems unable (or unwilling) to close the door again. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that". Long story short the commander dies. Everyone is sad. Apart from the commander of course. He's dead.

The film ends (see, I told you nothing happens) with one of the female crew going into her quarters. She sees a VR headset on the table next to some little toy soldiers from the American civil war. Hmm, that was the commander's VR fantasy. Just in case anyone is completely and utterly stupid, or if they've just lost the power of rational thought because they're so bored out of their minds (probably more likely) the woman asks the computer whose VR headset is on the table. And of course the computer responds by saying it's the commander's headset. The woman dons the headset and is taken into the commander's fantasy. There are lots of wounded people lying around. All of a sudden the commander appears and asks the woman to help with the wounded. The commander tells her "None of this is real" and that she'll only find out the truth if she follows him "through the looking-glass and down the rabbit hole". Ugh. The commander rides off on horseback into the sunset. The end. Hooray!

This film is utter nonsense. It's all too clear to see why it died on its arse and never became a series. Okay it's a pilot for a TV show, but it tries to introduce us to all 12 characters. In a TV series you can do that, in a 90 minute film you just can't. All the characters ended up melding in my mind into one generic mush. The acting wasn't great anyway, so no one really stood out for me. It was definitely "made for tv" quality acting here. The special effects and space scenes were actually not bad, but they just didn't have the story and the substance to back them up. This film is like some sort of grotesque bastard love child between Big Brother, Star Trek and 2001 (yeah I know that's three parents, just go with it). But all of those are way better than this. Well maybe not Big Brother, let's not get too carried away.

Rather inexplicably this film has an IMDb rating of 6.1 out of 10. I have no idea why it's so high. This film has nothing to redeem it whatsoever. I can't recommend that you watch this. Not even if you're the nerdiest of nerdy sci-fi fans. I think even they would struggle to find the good in this film. Wow, I suddenly went all Star Wars for a minute there. Don't watch this, unless the only alternative is Big Brother.

Star Trek Enterprise: Dear Doctor

I'd heard bad things about Star Trek Enterprise. And I don't just mean the god awful theme song. So going into this, my first ever episode of Enterprise, my expectations weren't that high.

At the start of the episode we see the ship's doctor who is some humanoid looking alien dude. He's busy feeding various creatures and gross bug things. Why the doc has these things and what they're doing in sick bay isn't clear. Then we have the opening credits and that god awful theme song. Seriously, I don't need my Star Trek theme songs to have lyrics. It's quite possibly the shittiest rock ballad ever conceived by man. The generic rock gentleman sings his generic rock song about having "faith of the heart" and other equally vomit inducing concepts. Quite what any of it has to do with Star Trek is beyond me.

After having lost the will to live by the end of the opening credits things didn't really improve. We then see the communications babe deliver an audio letter to the doctor. The doc says the letter is from a human doctor serving on his home planet as part of some medical exchange programme or something. Communications babe leaves and the doc begins listening to the letter. We then see the doc on his way to see someone who's had a minor accident in engineering. As he makes his way there we hear a voice over of his audio reply to the human doctor on his planet. As the voice over continues we see the doc treating the captain's pet Beagle for a minor stomach upset. The doc tells the captain to stop feeding his dog cheese. It's all rather dreary and pointless.

Cut to the doc with a cute crewman babe on film night. This seems to be a night when the crew sit and watch a classic film together. Being an alien the doc is more interested in the crew's emotional response than in the film. Then the doc walks cute crewman babe back to her quarters. She says goodnight and gives the doc a peck on the cheek. We hear from the doc's voice over that he suspects that cute crewman babe fancies him.

Next we see the Enterprise encounter a small craft adrift in space. Scans indicate that it uses pre-warp technology. In other words, it's a bit pants. They discover two humanoid life signs on board but they're very faint. So the humanoid looking aliens are taken to see the doc. The aliens are revived. They say they left their home planet over a year ago in search of a cure to an illness that their species has. Apparently 12 million of them died the year before our alien friends left. Our alien friends appeal to the captain for help. The captain tells the doc to see what he can do.

We then see the doc having dinner with communications babe. She's trying to learn the doc's language. Through subtitles we learn that the condition of the aliens is very grave. We also learn that communications babe has noticed the doc has been spending a lot of time with cute crewman babe. Because she's talking in the doc's language she asks if they're mating instead of dating. (Oh how I almost laughed). The doc responds by saying he's not sure what the situation is between them and asks communications babe for advice. Communications babe says she thinks they make a cute couple. Wow, top advice there.

The Enterprise travels to the home planet of our alien friends. They visit a hospital to see how they're trying to treat the illness. The doc says he can quickly come up with something to help ease the symptoms. They discover another race of aliens working at the hospital. The guy in charge explains that they're not as evolved as our alien friends but that they're very hard workers. Oh no… slavery. Dundundun! It turns out this slave race is immune to whatever illness our alien friends have. But sadly the two species are physiologically incompatible. Unsurprisingly the doc enlists cute crewman babe to help him. He's still unsure where he stands with her, so while carrying out some minor dental work on Vulcan babe, he asks for her advice. She tells him that in her opinion humans are too emotionally immature to cope with interspecies relationships. She tells the doc to be careful. Wow, bummer.

The captain asks to see the doc. He asks how things are going with regard to helping our alien friends. The doc says he's come up with something that will help ease the symptoms. But worryingly he's also discovered that the illness isn't caused by a virus or bacteria. It's genetic and has been evolving for thousands of years. The doc says he predicts our alien friends will be extinct in less than 200 years. The captain tells the doc to do all he can to find a cure. There then follows a very boring scene on the planet where the doc is doing scans and taking blood samples from the slave race. The point of this is to show that the humans on the Enterprise aren't too happy about a race of people being kept as slaves. And we also learn that this slave race isn't as stupid as we first thought as they appear to be very fast learners.

In a scene with the doc and cute crewman babe we learn that the doc is married on his home planet and that he has three wives. This comes as a bit of a shock to cute crewman babe. She says she doesn't want to become wife number four, but she wants to be his friend. The doc asks what she means by friend. She says they should just see where it goes. The doc seems pretty happy with this.

One of our two original alien friends is dying. He says to the captain that if the doc can't find a cure, they would like warp technology so they can go look for someone who can. The captain makes the point that not everyone they encounter may want to help them. But our alien friend is very insistent. Back on the Enterprise the captain asks Vulcan babe for her advice. She believes it would be wrong to give our alien friends warp technology. The captain agrees that they're not ready for it. The doc and the captain talk. The captain asks if the doc has found a cure. The doc says even if he could find a cure it would be unethical to interfere. The doc argues that they shouldn't interfere with a process that's been going on for thousands of years. And that if our alien friends all go tits up it might give the slave race a chance to thrive. There's a rather boring back and forth between the doc and the captain. Suffice to say they have differing opinions on the matter. The captain asks if the doc can find a cure. The doc then admits that he already has.

The voice over from the doc's letter to his counterpart on his home planet is heard once again. He says it's the first time he's been at odds with his captain, but that after all he is the captain. The doc says he hopes the captain can look beyond his sympathy for our alien friends. The captain walks in. The doc asks the captain to reconsider. The captain says he already has. The episode ends with the captain giving our alien friends the medication to alleviate the symptoms of their illness, but crucially not the cure. Once again our alien friends ask for warp technology. The captain says he's sorry and hands the alien guy the details of how to make more of the medicine. The alien guy says he appreciates everything the captain has done. Although he does say it in a rather assy way. And he looks as though he's just about ready to punch the captain in the face. The doc can be seen ending his letter by saying he's gained a new respect for the captain. He then calls up cute crewman babe to ask if she's free because he could use a friend right about now. The end.

Thank fuck for that. This is one of the most boring things I've ever had the misfortune to watch. And as a bit of a Star Trek fan it really pains me to say that. I wish I had something positive to say, but I'm really at a loss. The story is so uninteresting, it's been done so many times before, and all of those times it's been done better. It was so predictable how it would end. And I admit that I'm just dipping into an episode, but I didn't care about any of the characters. I think Vulcan babe's personality must be rubbing off on the rest of the crew. They're all so boring and one dimensional. You've got the guy from Quantum Leap as the captain. In theory he should make a great captain. But in practice he was very dour and serious. He never once smiled and showed less passion and emotion than Vulcan babe. And I'm sorry, but if the captain isn't right then the whole thing just isn't going to work. Don't believe me? Just look at the pilot episode of the original series pre-Shatner. The most interesting character for me is the Vulcan. And it's not just because she's a babe, although admittedly she is rather easy on the eye. But she does play a good Vulcan and unlike the captain she seems well cast. The rest of them I just didn't really care for.

I absolutely loved the original series of Star Trek and how Shatner chewed up the scenery with his hammy overacting. And personally I think the Kirk-Spock-McCoy chemistry may have been attempted since, but it's never been bettered. Kirk's philosophy to first contact was always: your society is stupid and I need to fix it by punching and/or sleeping with you. Simple but effective. And vastly more entertaining than the first contact scenario here. The Next Generation has a special place in my heart too. Patrick Stewart is an absolute legend. But I hate to admit it, after TNG my love for Star Trek has waned somewhat. I never really got into Voyager, and DS9 even less so. There was never any Trek in DS9. They just boldly stayed where no man had stayed before. I never really saw the point. Having said that, both Voyager and DS9 are leagues better than what I've just been watching.

Maybe Enterprise gets better in later series'. Maybe I should give it more of a chance and it'll grow on me. But I honestly can't see me sitting through another episode or two like this. I can't quite put my finger on it, but for me this wasn't Star Trek, just some pale imitation of something once great. And at this moment in time, this is the most recent and therefore last Star Trek series that we have. That makes me feel a little sad.