Star Trek (S1 E1): The Cage

In this the pilot episode we join Captain Pike (who?) Mr. Spock and our other familiar friends on the bridge of the Enterprise. Okay I lied. I don't know who the hell Captain Pike is and the only familiar face is Spock's. I have absolutely no idea who anyone else is. Anyway, we join whoever the hell these people are on the bridge after the opening titles, which reassuringly features the familiar Star Trek title music. Although disappointingly there was no opening monologue about space and going boldly anywhere.

There's something heading towards the Enterprise (I bet it's something strange and wibbly). The red alert sounds which has to be the most annoying red alert sound ever. It's the kind of noise a  guinea pig would make if you were to stand on it (accidentally of course). They pass through the wibbly thing and thankfully the red alert ends. They then pick up a radio message saying that a ship is in distress and has had to make an emergency landing on a planet somewhere. Apparently the ship is called Columbia and disappeared 18 years ago, with the radio wave taking that long to reach our friends. There's an M class planet in the system where Columbia vanished, meaning there's a slim possibility there could be survivors. But without any evidence to back this up, Pike decides to maintain their current course.

Pike calls the ship's doc to his quarters. Pike tells the doc that he's tired of the responsibility of being Captain and is thinking of jacking it all in. (Don't worry my friend, you only have this episode to go). Spock interrupts this badly acted scene and informs Pike that they have received a follow up radio message to say that there are definitely survivors from Columbia on the M class planet. So they decide to sod off to the rescue after all. Words cannot adequately describe how travelling at warp 7 is portrayed in this episode. Let's just say it's unbelievably cheesy and shite.

Yeoman babe comes onto the bridge and rather clumsily bumps into Pike. He is rather grumpy and annoyed at her so she quickly leaves. Number 1 (who is also a woman) reminds Pike that Yeoman babe has only just replaced his former Yeoman. Pike concedes that Yeoman babe is doing a good job but that he "can't get used to having a woman on the bridge". Pike quickly realises what he just said and apologises to Number 1 saying "No offence Lieutenant, you're different of course" and now she's doubly offended.

They reach orbit around the crudely drawn planet. A party of six beams down to the planet's surface, which of course includes Spock and Pike. They quickly reach a camp of 11 survivors, comprising of 10 old duffers and one young blonde babe, who rather conveniently was born soon after they crashed (old enough as far as Pike is concerned). We see Pike sniffing around the young woman and we then see that there are a race of bum-headed aliens who are also secretly observing Pike's attraction to the woman.

The away team are preparing to beam up the survivors. Suddenly blonde babe remarks that Pike is healthy and intelligent and a "prime specimen". She goes on to say "I think it's time to show the Captain our secret". The old duffers concur that she should indeed show Pike their secret. And like the horny dog that he is, Pike decides to go with blonde babe. Blonde babe and all the other survivors suddenly disappear and two of the bum-headed aliens appear from a hidden entrance in the rocks. They zap Pike and drag him away. The rest of the away team try to blast the entrance with their phasers but to no avail. Spock then communicates to the ship that there are no survivors and that it's all some sort of trap. I noted that Spock actually says "There is no survivors". Really Spock? I thought a Vulcan would know better. Maybe they couldn't afford to do a second take.

Pike comes to in a cell with some sort of reinforced glass (I guess a forcefield effect was beyond the special effects department's capabilities at the time). Pike can see other cells with different species in. Okay, so one is just a guy in a gorilla suit and another is a guy in a chicken suit, but you get the idea. The alien bum heads appear and there's the usual boring scene where Pike says his intentions are peaceful and the aliens remark upon how primitive humans are. But the scene ends with the aliens saying that they will soon begin the "experiment".

Back on the Enterprise the away team has returned and they decide to hold a meeting. We don't really learn anything new here. They discuss the fact that the aliens are very intelligent and that they can produce illusions by reading the thoughts and desires from the crew's minds. It's all stuff we've already worked out for ourselves really. In the end they decide to reroute the ship's power to the surface and try to blow the door on the alien hideout.

Back on the surface Pike is shown a memory of a planet he had visited two weeks earlier where he had to fight some dude with a Russian hat and an axe. He notes that everything is the same, except this time blonde babe is also there. Pike kills the Russian dude (again) and saves blonde babe. The scene ends and Pike and blonde babe are together in Pike's cell. There's a rather eye-rolling scene between the two of them. I'll spare you the details, but some examples of the dialogue between the two include "Are you real?". "As real as you wish" and "I have to wear something, don't I?" and "Let me please you". You get the idea I'm sure. To his credit though Pike isn't buying any of it and says that there's no point in continuing the conversation.

An away team tries to blast the door of the alien hideout using the ship's power. They fail. But as the doc points out, they can't be sure of anything because of the aliens' ability to create illusions. Pike questions blonde babe about the aliens. She says they can't make you do anything you don't want to do, but they can punish you if you don't cooperate. She says they have a whole collection of "specimens" from throughout the galaxy. Pike then realises that he and blonde babe are essentially Adam and Eve. The aliens overhear this conversation and "punish" blonde babe. She screams, writhes around a bit and then vanishes. The aliens admit to Pike that Columbia did crash on their planet but that there was only one survivor, which of course is blonde babe. The aliens say she was pretty beat up but that they managed to repair her. The aliens found her interesting and wanted to find a mate for her.

Pike then finds himself in a rather twee setting back on earth with blonde babe. They're having a picnic and Pike's horse Tango is there. (By the way, thumbs up here for having a real horse and not two guys in a suit). Pike comes to the realisation that he doesn't want to pack his job as Captain in after all, and that he'd find the sort of life depicted in this illusion to be utterly boring.

There follows another pointless scene where blonde babe turns into a brunette and is dancing provocatively. She's also green skinned, so presumably she's supposed to be some sort of alien. Pike's fellow crewmates (well the men at least) are sat around leering and eating grapes. It all looks a bit Roman empire. This is supposed to depict Pike's more carnal desires, but I'm sure given the time it was made it was just an excuse to have an attractive young woman do some sexy dancing. Pike walks out of the room in disgust at his fellow crewmates and finds himself back in his cell. He turns round and there is blonde… sorry, brunette alien babe.

Back on the Enterprise they decide to try to beam down directly into the alien hideout. Although it is noted that there is a chance they may beam down straight into solid rock given the aliens' penchant for illusion. For this reason it's a volunteer-only mission. The party begin to transport, but only Yeoman babe and Number 1 disappear, to which Spock exclaims "The women!" in a most  un-Vulcan like manner. Yeoman babe, Number 1 and blonde babe all end up in Pike's cell. The aliens say that as Pike is resisting the current specimen, he now has a "selection" to choose from. The aliens reveal that Number 1 often has fantasies involving Pike, while Yeoman babe finds Pike to be out of her league. Way to make things awkward alien dudes.

Back on the Enterprise Spock decides that it's time to fuck off and leave Pike to die (that would never happen with Kirk). But just as he gives the order to leave all the ship's power dies. Back on the planet, a hatch opens up in Pike's cell and one of the aliens crawls through to try and grab a couple of phasers on the floor that the girls brought with them. Quite why the alien decides to do this is a complete mystery. Pike manages to grab the alien and begins to strangle him. The alien transforms into the guy in the monkey suit. Pike tells the alien to stop the illusion or he'll twist his head off. The alien transforms back, but says if Pike doesn't release him he'll destroy the Enterprise. So Pike relents. However he picks up one on the non-functioning phasers, aims it at the glass force field and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. But he confronts the alien, saying that the non-functioning phaser is just an illusion and that in reality it has blasted a hole in the glass. Pike asks if the alien would like him to try the theory out on his head. Suddenly the illusion disappears and the hole in the glass is revealed.

They all make their way to the planet's surface with Pike still holding the phaser to the alien's head. However the alien is still preventing them from contacting the Enterprise. He still insists that the humans stay here on the planet and create a new race. Number 1 says that it's wrong to keep a race of humans as slaves. She takes a phaser and sets it to build up a charge and eventually explode. The alien then comes to the realisation that humans hate captivity and would rather die than be kept as slaves. He says this makes the human race too violent and dangerous for their "needs". So everyone is free to go. Hooray! Well except for blonde babe that is. She says she can't go with them. The aliens then reveal blonde babe's true appearance to be that of a hideous old bag (or Katie Price without the makeup). Captain Pike asks that the aliens give blonde babe her illusion of beauty back. They do this and more, as in fact she ends up with a clone of Captain Pike all to herself. The alien says "She has an illusion and you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant". Everybody's happy.

The episode ends on the bridge with Yeoman babe asking Pike who would've been his choice for Eve. Number 1 tells her that she's delivered her report and can piss off now, which she does. The Enterprise (although thankfully not the vast majority of the crew) flies off to its next adventure and the familiar theme song plays once again. The end.

I won't lie, I really struggled to get through this. This isn't any Star Trek that I know and love. Quite how they commissioned a series based upon this I'll never know. The characters (apart from the obvious exception of Spock) are so dull and uninspiring. Pike is like Kirk without the hammy and cheesy acting. I want my ham and cheese dammit. Pike is just too damn serious. There's definitely no chemistry between Pike and Spock (as I've said, Spock is all to keen to leave Pike to die at the earliest possible opportunity). The doc is just some old duffer with no personality to speak of. The three women characters are all very weak, serving only as love interests for Pike.

What makes Star Trek proper such a good series is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. And of course the wonderful chemistry between Kirk, Spock and McCoy, which has often been imitated but never bettered. This was just far too serious to the point of being boring. And there was no chemistry at all. Ever. Oh yeah, and at one point Spock actually smiles. And I don't just mean a little wry smile. He does a big old grin and shows his teeth and all. It just looks so wrong. Thankfully when the series proper came along they had Spock's personality (or lack thereof) sorted out.

For those Star Trek fans that do watch this (and I recommend that you don't) and you think that Number 1 looks familiar then you'd be right. She is in fact a very young looking Lwaxana Troi. But as I say, I really can't recommend that anyone watch this. Not even die-hard fans of Trek. It will ultimately leave you feeling disappointed and longing for some proper Star Trek. All I can say is thank god they changed the series so much after the pilot, otherwise I doubt we'd be talking about a little thing called Star Trek all these years later.

Virtuality

Wow, I'm actually at a loss for words. I'll try and find a few. Shite is one that springs to mind. Yes, this film is shite. Definitely shite. So this film was actually a pilot for a TV show that mercifully never saw the light of day. But the network was contractually obliged to show the pilot anyway, so it became a dreadful "made for tv" movie.

Okay, so it's sometime in the future and the earth is going to shit. 12 people are on-board a space ship heading for a nearby star system. Of course space is fairly big, so this nearby star system is still ten years away. Presumably they're going to try and find an earth-like planet or something. I'm not sure, I didn't care. Oh yeah, apparently the whole mission is being televised as some sort of Big Brother type show too. To stop the crew going mental-trousers insane and killing each other, they each have a virtual reality headset where they can escape the utter boredom of the real world. I wish I had a virtual reality headset to escape the utter boredom of this film. Seriously, nothing happens. Ever.

The crew are about six months into their mission. They're reaching a critical "go, no-go" decision of whether to slingshot around Neptune and fuck off into deep space, or just bog off back to earth with their tails between their legs. We see various crew members in their virtual reality fantasies. These range from the American civil war to being a spy who's masquerading as the female lead singer of a Japanese rock band (oh how I wish I was kidding). Rather inevitably something starts to go wrong with the virtual reality system. This creepy guy keeps turning up in the crew's VR fantasies and generally doing nasty things like shooting them. The girl who's the spy/rock chick actually gets raped by this unsavoury character. Thankfully we don't see the actual act. That would've seriously lowered my opinion of this film. And let's face it, my opinion couldn't get much lower. The crew have a meeting about the malfunctioning VR module. After a rather long and boring meeting it's decided that the VR module will stay, as the negative effects on the crew of having no escape from their mind-numbingly boring existence would be too great. So the VR stays, despite having a rogue murderer/rapist in its midst.

So the crew bog off into deep space. And oh no, there's a problem with the outside of the ship which means some of the crew have to attempt a space walk to fix it. Some of the crew don their space suits including the commander. The commander is out in the airlock. He hasn't had time to put his helmet on yet but oh no, the airlock door closes. He thinks it's one of his colleagues messing about and tells them to open the door. But they find they're unable to. And shock horror, the outer door to the airlock starts to open. Despite protestations from the crew, the ship's computer seems unable (or unwilling) to close the door again. "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that". Long story short the commander dies. Everyone is sad. Apart from the commander of course. He's dead.

The film ends (see, I told you nothing happens) with one of the female crew going into her quarters. She sees a VR headset on the table next to some little toy soldiers from the American civil war. Hmm, that was the commander's VR fantasy. Just in case anyone is completely and utterly stupid, or if they've just lost the power of rational thought because they're so bored out of their minds (probably more likely) the woman asks the computer whose VR headset is on the table. And of course the computer responds by saying it's the commander's headset. The woman dons the headset and is taken into the commander's fantasy. There are lots of wounded people lying around. All of a sudden the commander appears and asks the woman to help with the wounded. The commander tells her "None of this is real" and that she'll only find out the truth if she follows him "through the looking-glass and down the rabbit hole". Ugh. The commander rides off on horseback into the sunset. The end. Hooray!

This film is utter nonsense. It's all too clear to see why it died on its arse and never became a series. Okay it's a pilot for a TV show, but it tries to introduce us to all 12 characters. In a TV series you can do that, in a 90 minute film you just can't. All the characters ended up melding in my mind into one generic mush. The acting wasn't great anyway, so no one really stood out for me. It was definitely "made for tv" quality acting here. The special effects and space scenes were actually not bad, but they just didn't have the story and the substance to back them up. This film is like some sort of grotesque bastard love child between Big Brother, Star Trek and 2001 (yeah I know that's three parents, just go with it). But all of those are way better than this. Well maybe not Big Brother, let's not get too carried away.

Rather inexplicably this film has an IMDb rating of 6.1 out of 10. I have no idea why it's so high. This film has nothing to redeem it whatsoever. I can't recommend that you watch this. Not even if you're the nerdiest of nerdy sci-fi fans. I think even they would struggle to find the good in this film. Wow, I suddenly went all Star Wars for a minute there. Don't watch this, unless the only alternative is Big Brother.

Star Trek Enterprise: Dear Doctor

I'd heard bad things about Star Trek Enterprise. And I don't just mean the god awful theme song. So going into this, my first ever episode of Enterprise, my expectations weren't that high.

At the start of the episode we see the ship's doctor who is some humanoid looking alien dude. He's busy feeding various creatures and gross bug things. Why the doc has these things and what they're doing in sick bay isn't clear. Then we have the opening credits and that god awful theme song. Seriously, I don't need my Star Trek theme songs to have lyrics. It's quite possibly the shittiest rock ballad ever conceived by man. The generic rock gentleman sings his generic rock song about having "faith of the heart" and other equally vomit inducing concepts. Quite what any of it has to do with Star Trek is beyond me.

After having lost the will to live by the end of the opening credits things didn't really improve. We then see the communications babe deliver an audio letter to the doctor. The doc says the letter is from a human doctor serving on his home planet as part of some medical exchange programme or something. Communications babe leaves and the doc begins listening to the letter. We then see the doc on his way to see someone who's had a minor accident in engineering. As he makes his way there we hear a voice over of his audio reply to the human doctor on his planet. As the voice over continues we see the doc treating the captain's pet Beagle for a minor stomach upset. The doc tells the captain to stop feeding his dog cheese. It's all rather dreary and pointless.

Cut to the doc with a cute crewman babe on film night. This seems to be a night when the crew sit and watch a classic film together. Being an alien the doc is more interested in the crew's emotional response than in the film. Then the doc walks cute crewman babe back to her quarters. She says goodnight and gives the doc a peck on the cheek. We hear from the doc's voice over that he suspects that cute crewman babe fancies him.

Next we see the Enterprise encounter a small craft adrift in space. Scans indicate that it uses pre-warp technology. In other words, it's a bit pants. They discover two humanoid life signs on board but they're very faint. So the humanoid looking aliens are taken to see the doc. The aliens are revived. They say they left their home planet over a year ago in search of a cure to an illness that their species has. Apparently 12 million of them died the year before our alien friends left. Our alien friends appeal to the captain for help. The captain tells the doc to see what he can do.

We then see the doc having dinner with communications babe. She's trying to learn the doc's language. Through subtitles we learn that the condition of the aliens is very grave. We also learn that communications babe has noticed the doc has been spending a lot of time with cute crewman babe. Because she's talking in the doc's language she asks if they're mating instead of dating. (Oh how I almost laughed). The doc responds by saying he's not sure what the situation is between them and asks communications babe for advice. Communications babe says she thinks they make a cute couple. Wow, top advice there.

The Enterprise travels to the home planet of our alien friends. They visit a hospital to see how they're trying to treat the illness. The doc says he can quickly come up with something to help ease the symptoms. They discover another race of aliens working at the hospital. The guy in charge explains that they're not as evolved as our alien friends but that they're very hard workers. Oh no… slavery. Dundundun! It turns out this slave race is immune to whatever illness our alien friends have. But sadly the two species are physiologically incompatible. Unsurprisingly the doc enlists cute crewman babe to help him. He's still unsure where he stands with her, so while carrying out some minor dental work on Vulcan babe, he asks for her advice. She tells him that in her opinion humans are too emotionally immature to cope with interspecies relationships. She tells the doc to be careful. Wow, bummer.

The captain asks to see the doc. He asks how things are going with regard to helping our alien friends. The doc says he's come up with something that will help ease the symptoms. But worryingly he's also discovered that the illness isn't caused by a virus or bacteria. It's genetic and has been evolving for thousands of years. The doc says he predicts our alien friends will be extinct in less than 200 years. The captain tells the doc to do all he can to find a cure. There then follows a very boring scene on the planet where the doc is doing scans and taking blood samples from the slave race. The point of this is to show that the humans on the Enterprise aren't too happy about a race of people being kept as slaves. And we also learn that this slave race isn't as stupid as we first thought as they appear to be very fast learners.

In a scene with the doc and cute crewman babe we learn that the doc is married on his home planet and that he has three wives. This comes as a bit of a shock to cute crewman babe. She says she doesn't want to become wife number four, but she wants to be his friend. The doc asks what she means by friend. She says they should just see where it goes. The doc seems pretty happy with this.

One of our two original alien friends is dying. He says to the captain that if the doc can't find a cure, they would like warp technology so they can go look for someone who can. The captain makes the point that not everyone they encounter may want to help them. But our alien friend is very insistent. Back on the Enterprise the captain asks Vulcan babe for her advice. She believes it would be wrong to give our alien friends warp technology. The captain agrees that they're not ready for it. The doc and the captain talk. The captain asks if the doc has found a cure. The doc says even if he could find a cure it would be unethical to interfere. The doc argues that they shouldn't interfere with a process that's been going on for thousands of years. And that if our alien friends all go tits up it might give the slave race a chance to thrive. There's a rather boring back and forth between the doc and the captain. Suffice to say they have differing opinions on the matter. The captain asks if the doc can find a cure. The doc then admits that he already has.

The voice over from the doc's letter to his counterpart on his home planet is heard once again. He says it's the first time he's been at odds with his captain, but that after all he is the captain. The doc says he hopes the captain can look beyond his sympathy for our alien friends. The captain walks in. The doc asks the captain to reconsider. The captain says he already has. The episode ends with the captain giving our alien friends the medication to alleviate the symptoms of their illness, but crucially not the cure. Once again our alien friends ask for warp technology. The captain says he's sorry and hands the alien guy the details of how to make more of the medicine. The alien guy says he appreciates everything the captain has done. Although he does say it in a rather assy way. And he looks as though he's just about ready to punch the captain in the face. The doc can be seen ending his letter by saying he's gained a new respect for the captain. He then calls up cute crewman babe to ask if she's free because he could use a friend right about now. The end.

Thank fuck for that. This is one of the most boring things I've ever had the misfortune to watch. And as a bit of a Star Trek fan it really pains me to say that. I wish I had something positive to say, but I'm really at a loss. The story is so uninteresting, it's been done so many times before, and all of those times it's been done better. It was so predictable how it would end. And I admit that I'm just dipping into an episode, but I didn't care about any of the characters. I think Vulcan babe's personality must be rubbing off on the rest of the crew. They're all so boring and one dimensional. You've got the guy from Quantum Leap as the captain. In theory he should make a great captain. But in practice he was very dour and serious. He never once smiled and showed less passion and emotion than Vulcan babe. And I'm sorry, but if the captain isn't right then the whole thing just isn't going to work. Don't believe me? Just look at the pilot episode of the original series pre-Shatner. The most interesting character for me is the Vulcan. And it's not just because she's a babe, although admittedly she is rather easy on the eye. But she does play a good Vulcan and unlike the captain she seems well cast. The rest of them I just didn't really care for.

I absolutely loved the original series of Star Trek and how Shatner chewed up the scenery with his hammy overacting. And personally I think the Kirk-Spock-McCoy chemistry may have been attempted since, but it's never been bettered. Kirk's philosophy to first contact was always: your society is stupid and I need to fix it by punching and/or sleeping with you. Simple but effective. And vastly more entertaining than the first contact scenario here. The Next Generation has a special place in my heart too. Patrick Stewart is an absolute legend. But I hate to admit it, after TNG my love for Star Trek has waned somewhat. I never really got into Voyager, and DS9 even less so. There was never any Trek in DS9. They just boldly stayed where no man had stayed before. I never really saw the point. Having said that, both Voyager and DS9 are leagues better than what I've just been watching.

Maybe Enterprise gets better in later series'. Maybe I should give it more of a chance and it'll grow on me. But I honestly can't see me sitting through another episode or two like this. I can't quite put my finger on it, but for me this wasn't Star Trek, just some pale imitation of something once great. And at this moment in time, this is the most recent and therefore last Star Trek series that we have. That makes me feel a little sad.